Waiting

“How to explain the inner workings of a mother’s heart who just knows there is another child waiting to be born to her?”

You do not need to have lost a child to know what it is to question God, to doubt yourself or to hope against all odds for a miracle.

This is my story from the magical day that was May 11th, 2013… Listen To Your Mother St. Louis. I hope it speaks to your heart in some small way. More than anything, I hope listening to this story and the others shared that day (youtube playlist) encourages you to ask whatever it is that is on your heart, to listen and to follow — even if (especially if) it doesn’t make “sense” to your head.

What is on your heart today? Do you know what it is to wait? What questions have you been asking and what, if anything, are you hearing in return? I know it takes something to share, but I’d love to hear from you below.

xo

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I write here and on My Mommy Manual‘s Facebook page about the connection we are, reminding myself and others to look inside for instructions. I also write about the spiritual journey that is life after loss at In The Face Of LossPinterest and Twitter as well.

Related Posts:

Time to Mourn

I Don’t Want to do Something Wrong

Growing in Motherhood

Rainbow Babies

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Comments

  1. Ann McReynolds says:

    Perfect, Suzanne. You presented just enough information to touch every woman’s heart, and we all smiled at your joyful conclusion.

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    Zen Mommy Reply:

    thank you ann. i feel your love and this collective love you speak of often! xoxo

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  2. anonymous says:

    Thank you for sharing! Tears rolling down my face. I was in the airport for a business trip when the doctor called and told me I was in fact having a miscarriage and should not get on the plane. I was stunned and frozen, I got on the plane anyway – the ticket taker was motioning me on as I stood there as the last one to board.

    I had to get on the plane, she was motioning me on, what would I tell my boss who didn’t even know I was pregnant. I got on the plane completely out of it and sat down next to a man on the flight. He immediately started chatting me up and seeing my wedding ring asked me if I had kids. When I said no, he asked me what I was waiting for and that I better get started on that. He could not have chosen a worse thing to say to me. I mourned my loss very quietly and have barely told anyone of my miscarriage. Thanks for sharing your story.

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    Zen Mommy Reply:

    i am so sorry for your loss. i remember this exact feeling you describe so well. like being a deer in the headlights… and for this man to comment— for you to have to be with his words even as you struggle to wrap your head around what your doctor had just told you. i am so sorry. i kept our second loss very close to my chest — and though people did not know, it hurt just as bad. sending you love and light right now that you may know deep in your heart that you are not alone in this, no matter how few people you may ever tell. (hugs)

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  3. Stephanie says:

    Eight miscarriages for me. Baby on first try, then pregnant at the same time as my younger sister but about four weeks behind her. Sadly, she lost hers at 11 weeks…and then when I hit 11 weeks, I lost mine, just 13 months after our first baby girl. I found out on Baby #1′s first Halloween-the pictures are haunting of that evening. We had a baby on the next try (and my sister had one just three months later), then we lost one again…. and again, and again, and again, and again (at fertility doctor by now), failed IVF (four embryos), then assisted success with lots of shots and gestational diabetes and finally met our beautiful third baby girl. And then, at 43, one final unassisted and surprising and joyful pregnancy, then lost that last one too. But this last little soul got to 8 weeks and like some of the others, I had seen that blinking light you described on the ultrasound when all was well. I then had an appointment after we got some bad pregnancy hormone levels back that had steadily decreased, and there was still that blinking light. I was told gently during that ultrasound that the baby I was looking at on the screen would not be making it, but I could not take my eyes off that blinking heartbeat’s light. I too did not want to get off that table, because I knew it was the last time on earth I would see that little soul, and I did not want to say goodbye. And I was right. The next ultrasound, the sac had deflated, there was no light. But I was honestly so grateful to have been pregnant one last time. It felt like such a gift. And it still does. So hard to explain, but knowing I have had a total of 11 little souls in me that we will reunite with again someday is a gift.

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    Zen Mommy Reply:

    stephanie, eight angels. eight. so much living goes into that single word. i am so sorry. i rejoice with you in the sheer number of little souls that we and others will one day reunite with. like you in your last pregnancy, i felt the gift of the life experiences I was having even as I sat in all of the pain of having to say goodbye too soon to our last little angel (nina). you and i, we have our angels to be in relationship with. to mother from on far. to love and be loved by. thank you for sharing your story… for reminding me in no uncertain terms, that i am not alone. if you get this reply, i’d love to know if you have named your little angels and what their names are. i will say them aloud in thanksgiving for their short but meaning-filled lives.

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