Return To Zero: Ready To Grieve Out Loud?

RETURN TO ZERO is a movie based on the true story of a successful couple preparing for the arrival of their first child. Just weeks before their due date, they are devastated to discover their son has died in the womb and will be stillborn.

After their loss, Maggie and Aaron attempt to go on with their lives,  but try as they may, they can not escape their grief. Their lives have been forever altered. They try to cope in a myriad of ways — through denial, escape, and alcohol — but when Maggie ultimately discovers that Aaron is having an affair, she decides to end the marriage.

Just when Maggie believes she has started a new life, she learns she’s pregnant, the baby a result of a last ditch ‘save the marriage’ getaway to Vegas. With the help of her empathetic doctor who had experienced a similar loss years ago, Maggie finally grieves for the loss of her son. Through a turbulent and terrifying pregnancy, Maggie and Aaron reunite to see their child, a daughter, safely into the world.

I am for any movie that deals with grief and loss in an open, truthful way and for this reason, have become a Return To Zero Local Leader.

BREAK THE SILENCE. 

Join me in bringing RTZ to the big screen by simply pledging to see this film opening weekend. Help make an opening weekend for this movie even a reality as the director and producer need to show Hollywood that there is an audience for this film which has already been filmed and stars the talented Minnie Driver.

Stillbirth is a subject that deserves be told in film and in theaters everywhere. Take 18 seconds and make the pledge. Add me, Suzanne Tucker, as your Local Leader on the form or consider becoming a Local Leader in your area. Together we can bring this movie to the world and help others know, it is OKAY to grieve out loud.

Watch the Video and Sign the Pledge 

Become a Local Leader

More Information 

xo

——-

Join me and other moms on a spiritual journey with grief and loss here, because life’s better when we hold hands.

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My Intention

Hope After Miscarriage

This Is My Intention

I know this feeling. I have another something growing within me. This something has a soul. I’m not pregnant (with a baby anyway) but something is definitely growing. 

It’s still new for me to say it out loud, but I’m going to say it anyway. I am writing a book. A companion journal for mother’s who know loss be it to infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, early infant loss or any other. Loss is loss.

I can see the journal so clearly, how it will look and even how it will feel to hold; to write in. This book will be covered in pretty things, tied with a ribbon and a promise to hold all it contains forever close. This book will be a place for mother’s to feel less alone, to capture memories and search their hearts, unearthing the treasures that await them there. Gifts for them alone.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said “Life is a journey, not a destination.” And so it is for healing, more a way than a place one arrives. Being with our grief is a worthy journey. Though not popular in our culture, being intimate with our suffering has the power to bring peace and healing. This is the inspiration for this companion journal.

After seven years of living in my journal alone, this book is unfolding. It begins with a chapter on stillness and ends with a chapter on sharing. Each of the book’s five chapters includes stories, quotes, and poems followed by big, beautifully illustrated open spaces to journal.

Writing this companion journal is part of my healing journey to be certain. In 2005 we lost our first son. Leo took flight and left me with a heart full of pain. About a week into my struggle to accept our loss I experienced what I can only describe as a calling. It happened like a tap on my shoulder, a tap that spoke to my heart even though it made no sense to my head. I was supposed to write about my journey with loss.

I doubted this tap. I though, “Who is gonna want to read about my life?” But I started to write anyway. With pen to paper, I wrestled with my life and searched for answers to the questions that filled me.

Six months after losing Leo, one miscarriage turned into two. Turned into three. I was down on my knees and the call got louder. I wasn’t doubting anymore. Turned into four. Turned into five.  Somewhere in the middle there, I started to believe. I was supposed to make time for my grief to live; to  hold love present to my pain that I may be called ever closer to the fullness of life; to share my story and to listen to the stories of others with out judgment or conditions. I was supposed to tell my story.

The chapters are taking shape, miraculously, like little baby fingers and little baby toes. If this book were a baby I think I’m somewhere near the end of my first trimester. An early spring birth, 2014, in time for Mother’s Day and the anniversary of Leo’s passing. I hope so anyway.

It takes a team to have a baby and I am very clear, it will take no less to bring this book to life. I hope you will be there for the long haul so together we can wonder at it’s creation into being.

In my next post I’ll show you a picture of how I see this companion journal looking. Like an eight week ultrasound, this picture will give you a glimpse of what I hope this ‘lil angel will look like one day soon. I can’t wait to show you. (I think it’s going to have my husband’s nose…)

xo

 

 

 

—–

I believe that when we follow our bliss, anything is possible. If you are a mother that knows loss, I hope you walk with me and other moms that know what it is to grieve as well. This journey we are on is easier when we are holding hands. Join for support and inspiration for the journey of life after loss.

Week 35: House Arrest

HiltonThankfully, there is no clamp on my ankle, but my doctor told me last week in no uncertain terms that I am to “lay low”. She put me on house arrest.
50% thinned and 1 cm dilated, she said eat, sleep, shower and relax until we hit the 36 week mark. HA! She left out the two children, dog, cat, husband, home and two businesses I help manage.
I really did appreciated this advice though, and for the last 7 days I HAVE been taking it easy. Well, OK, I have been taking it “easier”, but I would say I’ve modified her house arrest orders just a tad. FAR from bed-rest, I have [Read more…]

Week 34: Like “Cantaloupes”

cantaloupeDon’t you LOVE how in medicine everything is compared to the size of fruit? Well, I can say with confidence after our resent ultrasound that I am carrying two beautiful cantaloupes. Baby boy and girl are each measuring nearly 5 pounds and are predicted to “ripen” in the next 4 weeks or so. Yes. I am the mother of two beautiful, hair on their heads, head down, well positioned cantaloupes. Word has it that due to their ever increasing sizes, they are no longer “floating” inside me but resting their sweet little heads on my pelvic bones. and if you asked my bladder, I promise you, it would concur with this theory.

Surprise!

One major surprise for me in all the pregnancy reading I have done of late is that all this itchiness I am feeling these days may actually be caused by my pregnancy. I had written it off to dry winter skin and a belly pulled as tight as the Little Drummer Boy’s drum. Turns out it could also be due to the increase in estrogen experienced during pregnancy. Sure, I’m still going to limit those long hot-hot-hot showers that feel so good. I’m going to keep applying belly oils and lotions like they are going out of style. But somehow I feel better knowing this itchiness might simply be a hormonal thing.

I am also relieved to not be suffering from something I just read about called “pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy” (say that five times!) PUPPP for short, this awful, itchy skin condition effects about one percent of pregnant women and causes red bumps or welts on the belly, thighs and buttocks.

‘Ya know what? All this itching and scratching I’ve been doing isn’t bothering me so much anymore. Isn’t it funny how all things are relative?

Gotta Love Estrogen

I wonder if it’s this same itchy inducing estrogen that had me crying (for seriously no reason!!!) yesterday. My hubby asked me what was wrong when he found me boo-hoo-ing on the bed and I answered him “I have no freaking idea!” with a laugh and a sob.

Can I also blame estrogen for my long honey-do lists of late? It’s a challenging combination to have one’s mind in full nesting gear but one’s body in more like “resting” gear. Running on few hours of solid sleep and the need to get horizontal every few hours to avoid Braxton Hicks contractions; I’ll tell you what, having a strong, able-bodied man around the house is just too tempting to ignore. We’ve made a joke out of it. In the mornings my husband asks me, “Am I your waiter or your servant today?” I generally answer with a smile, “Both.”

I love the way my husband marvels at all the changes my body is going through. It reminds me to cut myself some slack when I am feeling like a slacker. My body is, at this very moment, putting the finishing touches on two sets of lungs after all. If you are pregnant, how are you feeling? What’s new with your ever changing pregnant body? And which changes have you most in awe (or dread)?

Related Articles:

39 Weeks : We are so BLESSED!
37 Weeks : Crystal Ball
36 Weeks : Pre-Birth ENERGY
35 Weeks : House Arrest
33 Weeks : Blessingways and Birth
32 Weeks : Other New Moms & Icing
31 Weeks : Newborn Baby Checklists
30 Weeks : Sage “New-Mom” Advice from a Friend
29 Weeks : Placental Encapsulation
28 Weeks : Pregnancy Calf Cramps to Wake the DEAD
27 Weeks : Holiday Maternity Fashion Tips
26 Weeks : The Nursery
25 Weeks : Back to Baby Names
24 Weeks : Cord Blood
23 Weeks : Baby Fat
22 Weeks : Baby(s) Moving! Time for Belly Massage
21 Weeks : Flu Bug
20 Weeks : Parents As Teachers
19 Weeks : Sleep
18 Weeks : Breastfeeding
17 Weeks : Childbirth
16 Weeks : Sex of the Babies. We’re having…
15 Weeks : Baby name Game
14 Weeks : Prenatal Yoga
13 Weeks : Mindful Nesting
12 Weeks : My Changing Pregnant Body
How Spirit Moves

due logo

ZenMommy’s Pregnancy Journal is published in partnership with Due Maternity, a great place for maternity clothes.  xoxo

Suzanne Tucker, aka Zen Mommy

In addition to mommying to two magical girls born in 2000 and 2003 and expecting twins in Jan of 2010, Suzanne co-owns a holistic health center with her husband Shawn in St. Louis, Missouri where she practices as a physical therapist, Certified Educator of  Infant Massage and health education teacher. Certified in a number of healing and life education approaches, Suzanne is a Co-creator of My Mommy Manual and the online parenting course, Yogi Parenting, a positive parenting approach for raising kids of all ages.

Week 31: Newborn Baby Checklists

listI am making my list and checking it twice. It’s been almost seven years since I’ve brought a newborn home from the hospital and I am definitely suffering from some sort of mommy amnesia when it comes to remembering what I’ll need to have on hand. If you too are suffering from this rare disease or if perhaps it is your first time welcoming home a baby, let me enlighten you on what I’ve found. Here are are a few Newborn Checklists to help you prepare: [Read more…]

28 Weeks: Pregnancy Calf Cramps to Wake the DEAD

mummyIf you are or have been pregnant, odds are you know what I’m talking about. Over 50% of pregnant women suffer (and I mean suffer!!!) from these horrible, jaw clenching seizures in the muscles of the legs, usually in the calves, and (for me anyway) the sneaky little devils like to strike in the middle of the night.

I started getting them every other night around 2a.m.  about two weeks ago. One was so bad it lasted into the next day and had me limping… considering a cane or a crutch as I was going to a convention downtown and needed to walk a ton. Ego prevented me from going to that extreme so I just limped along for the day and sat as much as possible.

I’ve figured out a few things that work to help my cramps and hope they help if you are suffering from them too!

  1. Sometimes if I freeze (much like a deer in the headlights) those nasty leg cramps will pass me right on by. I love when this happens but have to say, it’s the exception… not the rule.
  2. When they do strike, I get right out of bed and put some weight through the leg. this not only flexes the foot putting the spasm-ed calf muscles on stretch, but weight bearing is supposed to have a mellowing effect on spastic muscles… a trick I learned as a physical therapist.
  3. Massage the muscles. I use the same massage oil I use for belly massage and to prevent stretch marks. If I’m lucky, I wake my husband with all my moving around (not to mention the sounds of pain that come from me, enough to have anyone in earshot swearing I was in labor) and he works my calves with the oil. One of only two perks I can think of from the whole calf pain thing.
  4. The other thing I do, and the second “perk” (if you can call it that) of having calf cramps to wake the dead in pregnancy… is that it gives me a chance to pretend I’m in labor. Yup. I actually have decided with each spasm to pretend I am indeed in labor… to soften my other muscles even as the one in questions locks into a spasm. This is exactly what occurs in labor, except that it’s my uterus doing the seizing not my leg muscles. I breathe in the mantra “I am love” and breathe out with “I am enough”. This really does help. Mind over matter? I think so.
  5. Following nights where the cramps were super bad, I wake up and soak my legs in as hot of water as I can stand. This REALLY sets me up to win… taking me from limping in pain to limp free in 20 minutes.
  6. And finally, I have started eating a banana, handful of almonds and glass of o.j. a day as I’ve read all of these can help. I think they do. That and being sure I remain hydrated through the day, but I tell ‘ya, if I drink any more water than I already am, I’m bound to float away.

I know I’m not the only one out there so I’d love to hear from you, misery loves company… do you get calf or leg cramps? when did they start? and what do you do about them that seems to work?

Related Articles:

39 Weeks : We are so BLESSED!
37 Weeks : Crystal Ball
36 Weeks : Pre-Birth ENERGY
35 Weeks : House Arrest
34 Weeks : Like “Cantaloupes”
33 Weeks : Blessingways and Birth
32 Weeks : Other New Moms & Icing
31 Weeks : Newborn Baby Checklists
30 Weeks : Sage “New-Mom” Advice from a Friend
29 Weeks : Placental Encapsulation
27 Weeks : Holiday Maternity Fashion Tips
26 Weeks : The Nursery
25 Weeks : Back to Baby Names
24 Weeks : Cord Blood
23 Weeks : Baby Fat
22 Weeks : Baby(s) Moving! Time for Belly Massage
21 Weeks : Flu Bug
20 Weeks : Parents As Teachers
19 Weeks : Sleep
18 Weeks : Breastfeeding
17 Weeks : Childbirth
16 Weeks : Sex of the Babies. We’re having…
15 Weeks : Baby name Game
14 Weeks : Prenatal Yoga
13 Weeks : Mindful Nesting
12 Weeks : My Changing Pregnant Body
How Spirit Moves

due logo This Zen Mommy Minute is published in partnership with Due Maternity, a great place for maternity clothes.  xoxo

Suzanne Tucker, aka Zen Mommy

In addition to mommying to two magical girls born in 2000 and 2003 and expecting twins in Jan of 2010, Suzanne co-owns a holistic health center with her husband Shawn in St. Louis, Missouri where she practices as a physical therapist, Certified Educator of  Infant Massage and health education teacher. Certified in a number of healing and life education approaches, Suzanne is a Co-creator of My Mommy Manual and the online parenting course, Yogi Parenting, a positive parenting approach for raising kids of all ages.

Week 27: Holiday Maternity Fashion Tips

More of Me Maternity Black DressThis week I’m thinking about THANKSGIVING and CHRISTMAS and NEW YEAR’S EVE!!! All these big parties coming up. I just hope I’m mobile enough to enjoy them all… the end of January feels just around the corner. Am I ready? I may not have the nursery done.. but I know what I’ll be wearing come Christmas. Ha. That’s gotta count for something!@#@!!!

If you are pregnant, here are some tips to help you prepare… well… at least your closet anyway… for the holidays.

TIP #1: Save Energy:
Shop online for maternity clothes. This allows you to shop the high fashion name brands and more affordable lines all in one place, and frankly, I just don;t have the staying power to shop multiple stores in a row to find the right outfit and a good deal like I used to. There are also a number of free shipping offers and deals around the holidays. The main idea here is to sav your energy. Shop smarter… not harder! And if you are hitting the stores, shop early and avoid the crowds. Getting out to shop on Black Friday is NOT be at the top of my to-do list…

TIP #2: Buy Versatile Maternity Clothes:
Plan a few festive outfits you can mix and match that will work for ALL the upcoming holidays, from Thanksgiving to Christmas and New Year’s. Don’t wait until the night of the party to figure this out… have it planned. You’ll end up saving money and getting alot more wear out the the items you do end up buying!!! Here are a few good picks when it comes to being “versatile” items.

  1. This black skirt from Japanese Weekend is also a killer black halter top maternity dress and only $78. That’s alot of bang for the holiday clothing buck.
  2. Dress up your jeans with a dressie top. I like this one in Black Eyelet from Maternal America and plan to wear it on Christmas day with the family with jeans and black boots.
  3. Pick a few maternity tops that can be dressed up/down and worn well past the holidays as well like this off-white one… off-white is a great color for winter and the holidays.

TIP #3: Buy at least ONE Dress

Pregnant or not every girl needs a Go-Dress! To help you get the most mileage out of this specail dress:

  1. Pick a classic solid color so that different accessories can easily be added.
  2. Look for a maternity wrap dress as these are adorable over jeans and can be worn with funky tights/boots or really dressed up with heels.  Look for one in red, a great color for the holidays.
  3. Look for “smart buys” when it comes to selecting your go-to dress; one that is sure to work for many occasions, many seasons and even future pregnancies. Classic cuts and colors will take you MUCH furture than trendy styles here.
  4. FINALLY: The trend in Maternity fashion is fitted so have fun showing of your beautiful belly bump! It truly is something to celebrate. Here I am showing off mine on a local St. Louis morning show going over tips for Holiday Maternity Fashion.

I hope your pregnancy is going well and that you are in the holiday spirit!!! If you have any great maternity fashion tips or questions, I’d love to hear them below.

Related Articles:

39 Weeks : We are so BLESSED!
37 Weeks : Crystal Ball
36 Weeks : Pre-Birth ENERGY
35 Weeks : House Arrest
34 Weeks : Like “Cantaloupes”
33 Weeks : Blessingways and Birth
32 Weeks : Other New Moms & Icing
31 Weeks : Newborn Baby Checklists
30 Weeks : Sage “New-Mom” Advice from a Friend
29 Weeks : Placental Encapsulation
28 Weeks : Pregnancy Calf Cramps to Wake the DEAD
26 Weeks : The Nursery
25 Weeks : Back to Baby Names
24 Weeks : Cord Blood
23 Weeks : Baby Fat
22 Weeks : Baby(s) Moving! Time for Belly Massage
21 Weeks : Flu Bug
20 Weeks : Parents As Teachers
19 Weeks : Sleep
18 Weeks : Breastfeeding
17 Weeks : Childbirth
16 Weeks : Sex of the Babies. We’re having…
15 Weeks : Baby name Game
14 Weeks : Prenatal Yoga
13 Weeks : Mindful Nesting
12 Weeks : My Changing Pregnant Body
How Spirit Moves

due logoThis Zen Mommy Minute is published in partnership with Due Maternity, a great place to shop online for holiday maternity clothes.  xoxo

Suzanne Tucker, aka Zen Mommy

In addition to mommying to two magical girls born in 2000 and 2003 and expecting twins in Jan of 2010, Suzanne co-owns a holistic health center with her husband Shawn in St. Louis, Missouri where she practices as a physical therapist, Certified Educator of  Infant Massage and health education teacher. Certified in a number of healing and life education approaches, Suzanne is a Co-creator of My Mommy Manual and the online parenting course, Yogi Parenting, a positive parenting approach for raising kids of all ages.

18 Weeks: Breastfeeding

skin-to-skin-breastfeeding-photoTell Me More – Tell Me More…

MY LITTLE SISTER had her baby at 3:33 a.m. this morning!!! It’s a girl and I am so excited for her and her husband. She called me from her hospital bed just now, 7 hours post birth… and we talked for all of 43 seconds. I got some important details… her JOY, how hard it was, how perfect her new baby is, how she looks alot like her dad, what time she was born and her beautiful new name, Audrey Elizabeth… and then, my blissful download of new baby information was cut short as I could hear the distraction in my sisters voice.

I imagined a helpful hospital person standing there waiting for me to stop gushing and for my sister to hang-up the phone. I was right. In the background I could hear a sweet and chipper lactation consultant introducing herself, “I came to introduce myself and to see how breastfeeding is going!” I wanted to hug this lady right then and there; to tell her to take good care of my baby sister. (I so want nursing to go well for her because SHE so wants it to.) But instead of a phone hug, hard with a complete stranger, I opted to get off the phone quickly. “Call me later! I love you!”” and with that, I let this eager to help lactation consultant have my sister all to herself.

It was not easy to stop the gushing mind you, so early in the game. I still know nothing about how the birth went other than it got an “OMG” when we started to talk. There’s so much my sis and I still need to talk about, but I remember this important first meeting with MY sweet and chipper lactation consultant in the hospital, and it was really helpful.

Virgin Breastfeed-er

In honor of my sister, her hours-old newborn baby girl and her sweet and chipper lactation consultant, I’d like to offer some Breastfeeding DO’s and DON’Ts for new-mamas-to-be:

DO:
Drink water like it’s going out of style. I recommend creating an unwritten policy with your hubby that if in the next month or so he catches you nursing, he will immediately get you a nice tall glass of water (without you even having to ask!). It never failed to happen to me. The second I’d hunker down with boppy and baby to nurse, the most incredible thirst of my life would sweep over me and of course, I’d never have a glass in arms reach!!@! It only took a week or two of me asking my hubby for water every time I sat to nurse, and he began to predict this need for me, getting me a glass without my having to ask; a prince to be sure. It might sound like a small thing, but for me it made a BIG difference. I felt like my husband was supporting OUR choice to breastfeed in this small way. Though I couldn’t just hand the baby over to him and say, “Here, it’s your turn to feed the baby!” I could enjoy a glass of nice fresh water without having to ask. :)

DON’T:
Start things off with a funny latch-on, like baby NOT getting enough of you into that tiny little baby mouth, or else it’s “hell-ooooo sore nipples!!@#!” I’m going to be honest with you, it’s pretty much “hell-ooooo sore nipples” any way you slice it; just how sore is in question here. That said- breastfeeding has been one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done and is way worth the temporary discomfort. Just know, a certain amount of discomfort is normal, but get professional help early on and make sure your babies latch on isn’t adding insult to injury!

DO:
Swaddle your little bundle of joy so as to keep little baby fingers and hands from baby’s mouth while you are busy perfecting the perfect your (non-sore-nipple inducing) latch-on together. This takes team work and little hands in mouths just complicate matters. Swaddled, your baby will be all about the boob and get right down to business; exactly how we new nursing moms like it. *wink*

DON’T:
Wait for your baby to cry before nursing. When you start to see the “I’m hungry” body language (i.e. mouthing their hands or turning their head back and forth in search of your nipple; subtle, I know…) bring on the milk mama! You are working to establish your milk supply and your baby’s working on building trust for their very new surroundings (I do this, mommy does this…I like this new world!) It’s a perfect match. Besides, getting a hysterical baby to latch on properly? Not easy.

And finally…I like to end on a positive note:

DO:
Be confident. Breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world. No worries of it makes your grandparents or in-laws a little nervous, they’ll get over it! Make good eye contact with people in the room even if they seem to be uncomfortable with nursing. This lets them know that it’s O.K. to look you in the face when they talk to you, even when you are nursing.

Well, those are my DO’s and DON’Ts anyway. For a more complete listing of breastfeeding tips go here and for a groovy printable breastfeeding log (which I highly recommend keeping for at least the first week) go here.

I wrote this for you, my little sister whom I LOVE so much… and for you, expectant moms out there planning on breastfeeding once your baby is born. It’s an awesome thing.

If you have breastfed or ARE breastfeeding and have a helpful tip or story, please share it with all us moms below. Or if you have any questions about breastfeeding, I’d love to hear those too! Now I’m going to go read-up some more about breastfeeding online and how the heck I’m going to nurse two babies! As thirsty as I was all the time nursing one, I might just have to buy myself a camelbak.

Related Articles

39 Weeks : We are so BLESSED!
37 Weeks : Crystal Ball
36 Weeks : Pre-Birth ENERGY
35 Weeks : House Arrest
34 Weeks : Like “Cantaloupes”
33 Weeks : Blessingways and Birth
32 Weeks : Other New Moms & Icing
31 Weeks : Newborn Baby Checklists
30 Weeks : Sage “New-Mom” Advice from a Friend
29 Weeks : Placental Encapsulation
28 Weeks : Pregnancy Calf Cramps to Wake the DEAD
27 Weeks : Holiday Maternity Fashion Tips
26 Weeks : The Nursery
25 Weeks : Back to Baby Names
24 Weeks : Cord Blood
23 Weeks : Baby Fat
22 Weeks : Baby(s) Moving! Time for Belly Massage
21 Weeks : Flu Bug
20 Weeks : Parents As Teachers
19 Weeks : Sleep
17 Weeks : Childbirth
16 Weeks : Sex of the Babies. We’re having…
15 Weeks : Baby name Game
14 Weeks : Prenatal Yoga
13 Weeks : Mindful Nesting
12 Weeks : My Changing Pregnant Body
How Spirit Moves

kolcraft3
Baby Watch is published in partnership with Kolcraft

Suzanne Tucker, aka Zen Mommy
In addition to mommying to two magical girls born in 2000 and 2003, Suzanne co-owns a holistic health center with her husband Shawn in St. Louis, Missouri  where she practices as a physical therapist, Certified Infant Massage Instructor and health education teacher. Certified in a number of healing and life education approaches, Suzanne is a Co-creator of My Mommy Manual and the online parenting course, Yogi Parenting, a positive parenting approach for raising kids of all ages.

Zen Mommy Minute: Share your Life…Journal

“Our lives are not our own; they are for us to share.” -Henri Nouwen

Thinking about this quote in terms of journaling, and how journaling is such a great way to share our lives… not only with ourselves, but with our kids. [Read more…]