Comments on: How to Share the Pain of Miscarriage and Grow http://mymommymanual.com/mommy-confessions-where-you-can-share/ Parenting Classes | Parenting Classes| Connecting Moms with Practical and Inspired Tips Fri, 03 Feb 2012 15:05:55 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Zen Mommy http://mymommymanual.com/mommy-confessions-where-you-can-share/comment-page-1/#comment-4556 Zen Mommy Tue, 24 Aug 2010 16:59:07 +0000 http://mymommymanual.com/?p=1694#comment-4556 Sending *hugs* to you all today. Just thinking of all my angels in heaven (and yours too if you've posted about them above). I know they are looking down at us and smiling. Thank you for sharing yourselves and your stories here with me. May the words Mom2002 said above live true in your heart - "there is still hope." Sending *hugs* to you all today. Just thinking of all my angels in heaven (and yours too if you’ve posted about them above). I know they are looking down at us and smiling. Thank you for sharing yourselves and your stories here with me.

May the words Mom2002 said above live true in your heart – “there is still hope.”

]]> By: Mom2002 http://mymommymanual.com/mommy-confessions-where-you-can-share/comment-page-1/#comment-2768 Mom2002 Mon, 22 Feb 2010 07:46:42 +0000 http://mymommymanual.com/?p=1694#comment-2768 I had a healthy baby in 2002, then got pregnant a little more than a year later. I couldn't wait to tell everybody in my life! But at 10 weeks, roughly, I started bleeding heavy and cramping. I went to the hospital and they pronounced what I already knew. I took it really hard, and my husband at the time cried for the second time since I'd met him. Then a few days later, his parents asked how I was doing and how'd my prenatal go the day before. I just started sobbing uncontrollably, and heard my husband tell the awful news. His mom started crying and hugging me. His dad replied "Thank God. You two kids can't even take care of the one you got. Everything happens for a reason, you know." My husband punched him in the face. Six months later, another positive pregnancy test. We decide to wait this time because having to tell everyone about the miscarriage was almost as bad as the loss itself. We quietly celebrated it together, and prayed for a healthy child. But it wasn't to be. Five more miscarriages in four years - one fetus reaching 20 weeks and two requiring D & Cs. Then the rocky relationship crumbled under everyday stresses. I met a new man, and when we became intimate I got pregnant right away. I warned him that I had had multiple miscarriages, but he told his family immediately anyway. The day before my first prenatal I lost the baby. We had to explain this to his family, and return some maternity clothes his mom had bought me. Two months later, I got a positive pregnancy test when I went to the hospital for a fall injury. I was by this time still not over the constant losses and didn't think I could take any more stress and worry. At my first ultrasound they saw the sac but no baby - and I should have been about eight weeks along. The ultrasound tech didn't say anything, but I knew there was something wrong when he left and my doctor came in a few minutes later. I was going to miscarry again. This time I opted for a voluntary D & C so they could examine the tissue. Two years later, I got pregnant again, and all the symptoms came on strong, like with my daughter. We just knew this one was gonna make it. But we decided to wait awhile to spread the news. The day after I entered my tenth week, I woke up in a massive pool of blood, and it spilled to the floor when I sat up screaming. I was spending the weekend at his dad's place to help him out, but my fiance had to work that weekend so he wasn't there. I told his dad to call 911 and went to sit on the toilet with an icepack on my stomach. He opted to take me himself, so I called my boyfrind from his cell en route. As soon as I walked into the ER with blood gushing down both legs I passed out. When I came to, there were two IVs in me - one blood and one fluids - and my bed's head was as far down as it could go and the foot was as high as it could go. Shortly after, my boyfrend showed up just in time for the doctor to tell me I should be stable now but I had them worried for a while. My blood pressure was 57/21 the first time they took it, and it took them a while to stop the hemorraging. I said my head hurt from being upside down, but he said I had to remain so for another few minutes until they were sure my blood pressure was under control. An hour later I was having another D & C, and this time it wasn't outpatient. Instead of an hour to six hours of recovery in a room after coming out of he recovery room, I spent two and a half days in the hospital. And my boyfriend never left my room except when he was forced to leave for an hour when my roomate or I had another test. Now I'm pregnant again, and when found out I bawled. I couldn't handle another miscarriage, especially after I almost died. So they put me on antidepressants and I started being super careful, super healthy, but we remained super secretive about the baby. I only told one person other than my fiance. Until the twelve week marker. Then we told our families. We're breathing a little easier now. There's still a chance, but it's made it this far, and the ultrasound looked promising. I'm at a high-risk clinic right from the start, and they said everything is as it should be. So I know it's not another tubal (one was) or empty sac (two were). And this one has made it farthr than all but one miscarriage now. So we're still not in the clear, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel after 10 consecutive miscarriages. I'm not just venting the grief I still feel for each of my unborn children. And I'm not trying to tell people who have not been successful in their pregnancies that I can have a baby and they can't. I'm letting you all know that there is hope. And that I know how you are feeling. I've had ten miscarriages in less than seven years. My loss is no greater or less than the parent who's only had one miscarriage or stillbirth or SIDS baby. But you are not alone. And I know nothing will heal the pain, because I'm crying as I'm writing myself. Nothing anybody says will make the uncertainty go away about whether you could have done something differently, or is there something wrong with you. There is no answer to the question I have asked many times over: "Why did God let this happen?" But we can get through the pain. And there is still hope. I had a healthy baby in 2002, then got pregnant a little more than a year later. I couldn’t wait to tell everybody in my life! But at 10 weeks, roughly, I started bleeding heavy and cramping. I went to the hospital and they pronounced what I already knew. I took it really hard, and my husband at the time cried for the second time since I’d met him. Then a few days later, his parents asked how I was doing and how’d my prenatal go the day before. I just started sobbing uncontrollably, and heard my husband tell the awful news. His mom started crying and hugging me. His dad replied “Thank God. You two kids can’t even take care of the one you got. Everything happens for a reason, you know.” My husband punched him in the face.
Six months later, another positive pregnancy test. We decide to wait this time because having to tell everyone about the miscarriage was almost as bad as the loss itself. We quietly celebrated it together, and prayed for a healthy child. But it wasn’t to be. Five more miscarriages in four years – one fetus reaching 20 weeks and two requiring D & Cs. Then the rocky relationship crumbled under everyday stresses.
I met a new man, and when we became intimate I got pregnant right away. I warned him that I had had multiple miscarriages, but he told his family immediately anyway. The day before my first prenatal I lost the baby. We had to explain this to his family, and return some maternity clothes his mom had bought me. Two months later, I got a positive pregnancy test when I went to the hospital for a fall injury. I was by this time still not over the constant losses and didn’t think I could take any more stress and worry. At my first ultrasound they saw the sac but no baby – and I should have been about eight weeks along. The ultrasound tech didn’t say anything, but I knew there was something wrong when he left and my doctor came in a few minutes later. I was going to miscarry again. This time I opted for a voluntary D & C so they could examine the tissue.
Two years later, I got pregnant again, and all the symptoms came on strong, like with my daughter. We just knew this one was gonna make it. But we decided to wait awhile to spread the news. The day after I entered my tenth week, I woke up in a massive pool of blood, and it spilled to the floor when I sat up screaming. I was spending the weekend at his dad’s place to help him out, but my fiance had to work that weekend so he wasn’t there. I told his dad to call 911 and went to sit on the toilet with an icepack on my stomach. He opted to take me himself, so I called my boyfrind from his cell en route. As soon as I walked into the ER with blood gushing down both legs I passed out. When I came to, there were two IVs in me – one blood and one fluids – and my bed’s head was as far down as it could go and the foot was as high as it could go. Shortly after, my boyfrend showed up just in time for the doctor to tell me I should be stable now but I had them worried for a while. My blood pressure was 57/21 the first time they took it, and it took them a while to stop the hemorraging. I said my head hurt from being upside down, but he said I had to remain so for another few minutes until they were sure my blood pressure was under control. An hour later I was having another D & C, and this time it wasn’t outpatient. Instead of an hour to six hours of recovery in a room after coming out of he recovery room, I spent two and a half days in the hospital. And my boyfriend never left my room except when he was forced to leave for an hour when my roomate or I had another test.
Now I’m pregnant again, and when found out I bawled. I couldn’t handle another miscarriage, especially after I almost died. So they put me on antidepressants and I started being super careful, super healthy, but we remained super secretive about the baby. I only told one person other than my fiance. Until the twelve week marker. Then we told our families. We’re breathing a little easier now. There’s still a chance, but it’s made it this far, and the ultrasound looked promising. I’m at a high-risk clinic right from the start, and they said everything is as it should be. So I know it’s not another tubal (one was) or empty sac (two were). And this one has made it farthr than all but one miscarriage now. So we’re still not in the clear, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel after 10 consecutive miscarriages.
I’m not just venting the grief I still feel for each of my unborn children. And I’m not trying to tell people who have not been successful in their pregnancies that I can have a baby and they can’t. I’m letting you all know that there is hope. And that I know how you are feeling. I’ve had ten miscarriages in less than seven years. My loss is no greater or less than the parent who’s only had one miscarriage or stillbirth or SIDS baby. But you are not alone. And I know nothing will heal the pain, because I’m crying as I’m writing myself. Nothing anybody says will make the uncertainty go away about whether you could have done something differently, or is there something wrong with you. There is no answer to the question I have asked many times over: “Why did God let this happen?” But we can get through the pain. And there is still hope.

]]> By: Suzanne Tucker http://mymommymanual.com/mommy-confessions-where-you-can-share/comment-page-1/#comment-1935 Suzanne Tucker Sun, 24 Jan 2010 18:23:11 +0000 http://mymommymanual.com/?p=1694#comment-1935 Amy, Thank you for sharing your story. (please click on amy's name above to visit her blog...) so much heart. the pain you must be in. to have carried your sweet girl all those months. to deliver her. you share your thoughts and fears so openly... i know this will help many others to read who find themselves in a similar place of pain, grief and lose. the most striking words for me in your post are these, as they speak to our tendency as mothers to blame ourselves when something goes wrong- "I hadn't been taking my prenatal vitamins... could that have caused it? What about the antidepressants I was on? I gained about 20 pounds more than I should have... maybe that killed her. Maybe all the stress I was under killed her. And, my most shameful, lifelong guilty conscience wonders if the occasional beer that I partook in may have had an affect." I have miscarried 5 times and the first 3 or 4 i just knew i was doing SOMETHING wrong. by 5 it finally dawned on me... these were just the circumstances of my life. they were not my fault... and they sure as heck did not define me - who i am - who i can be. it has been a long, hard and at times hugely rewarding healing process. i pray for good friends to surround you, loving arms to hold you and a free flow of tears as often and as many times as you want to go there. i am crying now for you... and for me... even these few years later. blessings- and may your heart find peace in all the pain. Suzanne aka ZenMommy Amy, Thank you for sharing your story. (please click on amy’s name above to visit her blog…)

so much heart. the pain you must be in. to have carried your sweet girl all those months. to deliver her. you share your thoughts and fears so openly… i know this will help many others to read who find themselves in a similar place of pain, grief and lose. the most striking words for me in your post are these, as they speak to our tendency as mothers to blame ourselves when something goes wrong-

“I hadn’t been taking my prenatal vitamins… could that have caused it? What about the antidepressants I was on? I gained about 20 pounds more than I should have… maybe that killed her. Maybe all the stress I was under killed her. And, my most shameful, lifelong guilty conscience wonders if the occasional beer that I partook in may have had an affect.”

I have miscarried 5 times and the first 3 or 4 i just knew i was doing SOMETHING wrong. by 5 it finally dawned on me… these were just the circumstances of my life. they were not my fault… and they sure as heck did not define me – who i am – who i can be. it has been a long, hard and at times hugely rewarding healing process. i pray for good friends to surround you, loving arms to hold you and a free flow of tears as often and as many times as you want to go there. i am crying now for you… and for me… even these few years later.

blessings- and may your heart find peace in all the pain.

Suzanne aka ZenMommy

]]> By: amy http://mymommymanual.com/mommy-confessions-where-you-can-share/comment-page-1/#comment-1934 amy Sun, 24 Jan 2010 05:28:03 +0000 http://mymommymanual.com/?p=1694#comment-1934 I don't know if your conversations are still going, but I am beginning to write about my experience of delivering my baby girl--stillborn--on my blog. She was born/died exactly four weeks from her due date (8 months). I don’t know if your conversations are still going, but I am beginning to write about my experience of delivering my baby girl–stillborn–on my blog. She was born/died exactly four weeks from her due date (8 months).

]]> By: Zen Mommy http://mymommymanual.com/mommy-confessions-where-you-can-share/comment-page-1/#comment-965 Zen Mommy Fri, 26 Jun 2009 13:33:37 +0000 http://mymommymanual.com/?p=1694#comment-965 T, My heart goes out to you in all of this. Thank you for sharng your life. I know so many can relate, without even having lived through what you have lived through...to the whole idea of not feeling we have "support" or supportive people at different and important times in our lives. Surely our pain has to be eased when we find ourselves surrounded by loving, understanding people. Likewise, our pain seems to be doubled if and when we don't. I have never been in a more vulnerable or needy place then after the loss of our babies...and for this reason I want you to kow that you are not alone. No matter how insensative this man, this woman...anyone in your life treat you, know this for certain. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I hope you can feel me and know this in your soul. I hope you feel the big (((hug))) I am sending you as I type. Your story has brought tears to my eyes because I identify with that feeling of lonliness and lack of support you describe here... even in the midst of a loving marriage and suportive friends and family, I think it must be fairly normal for us to go there as grieving mothers. There is nothing like the lose of a child, one that you dream of holding one day, of bringing up with the babies father...and then in the blink of an eye it is gone. Do you ever talk to your baby? Know that this relationship is there for you and can be comforting...mine all have names and i think of htem often and now in a joyful way...but this took time. You can even name your little one :p, plant flowers that will come back every year. This has been very healing for me. We planted Lillies. I love to see them growing bigger and bigger as the years pass. When they bloom for me it's like a birth day of sorts every year. If you want to talk some more, feel free to post here or email me at suzanne @ mymommymanual.com *smils* *hugs* to you dear one... T,
My heart goes out to you in all of this. Thank you for sharng your life. I know so many can relate, without even having lived through what you have lived through…to the whole idea of not feeling we have “support” or supportive people at different and important times in our lives.

Surely our pain has to be eased when we find ourselves surrounded by loving, understanding people. Likewise, our pain seems to be doubled if and when we don’t. I have never been in a more vulnerable or needy place then after the loss of our babies…and for this reason I want you to kow that you are not alone. No matter how insensative this man, this woman…anyone in your life treat you, know this for certain. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I hope you can feel me and know this in your soul. I hope you feel the big (((hug))) I am sending you as I type. Your story has brought tears to my eyes because I identify with that feeling of lonliness and lack of support you describe here… even in the midst of a loving marriage and suportive friends and family, I think it must be fairly normal for us to go there as grieving mothers.

There is nothing like the lose of a child, one that you dream of holding one day, of bringing up with the babies father…and then in the blink of an eye it is gone.

Do you ever talk to your baby? Know that this relationship is there for you and can be comforting…mine all have names and i think of htem often and now in a joyful way…but this took time. You can even name your little one :p, plant flowers that will come back every year. This has been very healing for me. We planted Lillies. I love to see them growing bigger and bigger as the years pass. When they bloom for me it’s like a birth day of sorts every year. If you want to talk some more, feel free to post here or email me at suzanne @ mymommymanual.com *smils* *hugs* to you dear one…

]]> By: T http://mymommymanual.com/mommy-confessions-where-you-can-share/comment-page-1/#comment-964 T Fri, 26 Jun 2009 03:58:45 +0000 http://mymommymanual.com/?p=1694#comment-964 I don't even know how I could begin this. But, in a nutshell, I was crazy in love and started the process of moving in with the guy. At the same time I was experiencing pregnancy symptoms - morning (evening, afternoon) sickness, metal taste in my mouth, boobs the size of watermelons, all kinds of things. I knew in my gut what those symptoms were about. I was very open with him about it and we monitored everything closely. It was unexpected but we decided to take the joyful route. There was someone in his life, a female, who caused us a lot of problems and I'm pretty sure she was jealous. I won't get into what she did but she caused me a lot of grief and it interfered with my concentration on how I felt about what my future might be like if I had a baby. I was very stressed out and unhappy because of her and what she was doing to us, when I could have been daydreaming and thrilled instead. I lost the baby soon after and at the time I wasn't sure how I felt about it. It was really early and there were no complications at all - that's not to say it was a pleasure, because it wasn't! But I didn't have any physical/medical problems, thank god. But the dude didn't seem to understand where I was physically and mentally. We had a big fight because of this female presence and also because he didn't seem to understand my hormone highs and lows that made me really emotional, and he kicked me out of his house (just days after I lost the baby). I promise I'm not insane, the guy really is a real dud !! The two things I'm grieving over are the fact that he made me go through this alone, and the baby and our future that would have been. It was so short-lived but I got to experience that physical and emotional change that comes with that first beginning stage of pregnancy. This primal, instinctive love that just erupts from your soul when that happens. NOW I know what love feels like. So I'm coping with a breakup and that. It's... intense and powerful. I've also now been left with the feeling that I really want to have a child in the future. I hope I can do that someday, when I'm in a really good place. Thanks for opening this up!! I haven't had anywhere to really discuss this. There is a lot I'm leaving out for the sake of privacy but what I've written here is the main story. But anyway, I'm doing ok now. :-) The highs beat the lows. I don’t even know how I could begin this. But, in a nutshell, I was crazy in love and started the process of moving in with the guy. At the same time I was experiencing pregnancy symptoms – morning (evening, afternoon) sickness, metal taste in my mouth, boobs the size of watermelons, all kinds of things. I knew in my gut what those symptoms were about. I was very open with him about it and we monitored everything closely. It was unexpected but we decided to take the joyful route.

There was someone in his life, a female, who caused us a lot of problems and I’m pretty sure she was jealous. I won’t get into what she did but she caused me a lot of grief and it interfered with my concentration on how I felt about what my future might be like if I had a baby. I was very stressed out and unhappy because of her and what she was doing to us, when I could have been daydreaming and thrilled instead.

I lost the baby soon after and at the time I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. It was really early and there were no complications at all – that’s not to say it was a pleasure, because it wasn’t! But I didn’t have any physical/medical problems, thank god. But the dude didn’t seem to understand where I was physically and mentally.

We had a big fight because of this female presence and also because he didn’t seem to understand my hormone highs and lows that made me really emotional, and he kicked me out of his house (just days after I lost the baby). I promise I’m not insane, the guy really is a real dud !!
The two things I’m grieving over are the fact that he made me go through this alone, and the baby and our future that would have been.

It was so short-lived but I got to experience that physical and emotional change that comes with that first beginning stage of pregnancy. This primal, instinctive love that just erupts from your soul when that happens. NOW I know what love feels like.

So I’m coping with a breakup and that. It’s… intense and powerful.
I’ve also now been left with the feeling that I really want to have a child in the future. I hope I can do that someday, when I’m in a really good place.
Thanks for opening this up!! I haven’t had anywhere to really discuss this. There is a lot I’m leaving out for the sake of privacy but what I’ve written here is the main story. But anyway, I’m doing ok now. :-) The highs beat the lows.

]]> By: ZenMommy http://mymommymanual.com/mommy-confessions-where-you-can-share/comment-page-1/#comment-877 ZenMommy Tue, 16 Jun 2009 23:47:25 +0000 http://mymommymanual.com/?p=1694#comment-877 your words pull to my core. your poem...your "anthrax"...your "punched in the face"... all speak to me of the deep HOPE/DESIRE and LOVE of an expectant mother and then the pain... even your mention of the dreaded words..."no heartbeat". how those words ring in my ears. "no heart beat". ...so many of us women that have lost a baby...we lay there thinking/praying/wishing for one thing as they put that gel on the tummy LET THERE BE A HEARTBEAT. then the words...or even the flat look on the nurse or doctors face. no heartbeat. thank you for sharing these intimate details of your life and your pain with me and other women. i feel it will help many. what a blessing eitan is. happy birthday beautiful baby boy!!! your words pull to my core. your poem…your “anthrax”…your “punched in the face”… all speak to me of the deep HOPE/DESIRE and LOVE of an expectant mother and then the pain…

even your mention of the dreaded words…”no heartbeat”. how those words ring in my ears. “no heart beat”. …so many of us women that have lost a baby…we lay there thinking/praying/wishing for one thing as they put that gel on the tummy LET THERE BE A HEARTBEAT. then the words…or even the flat look on the nurse or doctors face. no heartbeat.

thank you for sharing these intimate details of your life and your pain with me and other women. i feel it will help many. what a blessing eitan is. happy birthday beautiful baby boy!!!

]]> By: Johanna http://mymommymanual.com/mommy-confessions-where-you-can-share/comment-page-1/#comment-876 Johanna Tue, 16 Jun 2009 23:25:17 +0000 http://mymommymanual.com/?p=1694#comment-876 I lost two pregnancies before my third one stuck. Eitan will be one year old on July Fourth 2009. I blogged about the miscarriages on My Space... Here are the entries I wrote: Thursday, July 05, 2007 Knocked up... I find myself once again pregnant. This is good news. Yet I find myself riddled with anxiety. About money, about living in a concrete jungle with no trees or grass to be seen, but mostly about my lack of control over what might happen. I think I will use this forum to get my feelings and thoughts out. Six months ago I miscarried in my thirteenth week. I woke up in the middle of the night bleeding, went to the hospital, and four hours later was told that there was something dead inside of me... in the hallway of the E.R. Two nights after that, I went into labor on the toilet, and after two hours of bleeding and shitting and convulsing, I felt a pop, a gush, then I passed a mucousy ball the size of a large orange. It looked vaguely like a chicken embryo, with a little white string attaching it to a purple blob. I looked at it for a long time, then I flushed. All I remember thinking during the whole process was "good, my body knows what to do, and is taking care of itself. I am plowing the fields for the next sowing". I wasn't in love with that blob of potential person. I was in love with being pregnant though. I was in love with having a baby, our baby, in my arms in august. And I had gotten used to thinking of myself as a we, to never actually being alone. to there being another someone there when Adam and I lay in bed. It took me a while to get used to being alone again. I am now at seven weeks. We found out right before my sister's wedding, and were able to tell our families in person. I have chosen to tell everyone again, because I was glad I had told everyone I was pregnant last time, even though having to announce that I was no longer was difficult. I wouldn't change it, so I'm not going to. We haven't told any of our STL friends whom we miss so dearly, (though some of you will be reading this) mostly out of a fear of getting too excited. It doesn't yet seem real, and both of us are wincing in apprehension of all that could happen. I know that anxiety is bad for my pregnancy, which of course makes me more anxious that my anxiousness could be harmful to the fetus... I realize that this time is my time to learn how to be an adult. My marriage, my father's illness, my pregnancy, my miscarriage, my job, my weight... these are all things that are teaching me what it is to be responsible for myself, and I am grateful for the education - even if the means are painful. I am grateful for the people whom I love, and who love me. I am grateful for my friends, even those who I haven't seen in a year. I am grateful for the many experiences I've had. I am grateful for the universe of potential that lives inside of me. As I approach a quarter of a century, I am learning to be grateful. Love, Jo Friday, July 20, 2007 thoughts... It occurs to me that this is the hardest thing I've ever done. Pregnancy is hard. The thing is, we do it, and we like it, because we end up with a child to share genes and unconditional love with. At least, we're supposed to end up with a child. Miscarriage is like if someone were to promise you a million dollars, and then instead of a check, they send you anthrax with a note that says, "sniff this shit, then I'll give you a million dollars". Then you are sick as a dog for a few months, then you get a note with an address at which to pick up your check, but when you get there someone punches you in the face, calls you a sucker, and steals your wallet. So now, I've fallen for the promise again, and I've been sick as a dog for a few months... and I've got this letter in my hand... I have an appointment in two and a half weeks with the midwife, at which we will listen for the heart beat. Its either there or it isn't at that point. I find myself expecting a punch in the face... This sucks. Tuesday, July 31, 2007 waiting Spotting. Couldn't hear a heart beat. Ultrasound tomorrow morning. What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore— And then run? Does it stink like rotten meat? Or crust and sugar over— like a syrupy sweet? Maybe it just sags like a heavy load. Or does it explode? ... We'll see Love Jo Wednesday, August 01, 2007 ... Punch in the face. I lost two pregnancies before my third one stuck. Eitan will be one year old on July Fourth 2009. I blogged about the miscarriages on My Space… Here are the entries I wrote:

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Knocked up…

I find myself once again pregnant. This is good news.
Yet I find myself riddled with anxiety. About money, about living in a concrete jungle with no trees or grass to be seen, but mostly about my lack of control over what might happen.
I think I will use this forum to get my feelings and thoughts out.

Six months ago I miscarried in my thirteenth week.
I woke up in the middle of the night bleeding, went to the hospital, and four hours later was told that there was something dead inside of me… in the hallway of the E.R.
Two nights after that, I went into labor on the toilet, and after two hours of bleeding and shitting and convulsing, I felt a pop, a gush, then I passed a mucousy ball the size of a large orange. It looked vaguely like a chicken embryo, with a little white string attaching it to a purple blob. I looked at it for a long time, then I flushed. All I remember thinking during the whole process was “good, my body knows what to do, and is taking care of itself. I am plowing the fields for the next sowing”.
I wasn’t in love with that blob of potential person. I was in love with being pregnant though. I was in love with having a baby, our baby, in my arms in august. And I had gotten used to thinking of myself as a we, to never actually being alone. to there being another someone there when Adam and I lay in bed.
It took me a while to get used to being alone again.

I am now at seven weeks. We found out right before my sister’s wedding, and were able to tell our families in person. I have chosen to tell everyone again, because I was glad I had told everyone I was pregnant last time, even though having to announce that I was no longer was difficult. I wouldn’t change it, so I’m not going to.

We haven’t told any of our STL friends whom we miss so dearly, (though some of you will be reading this) mostly out of a fear of getting too excited. It doesn’t yet seem real, and both of us are wincing in apprehension of all that could happen.

I know that anxiety is bad for my pregnancy, which of course makes me more anxious that my anxiousness could be harmful to the fetus…

I realize that this time is my time to learn how to be an adult. My marriage, my father’s illness, my pregnancy, my miscarriage, my job, my weight… these are all things that are teaching me what it is to be responsible for myself, and I am grateful for the education – even if the means are painful.

I am grateful for the people whom I love, and who love me. I am grateful for my friends, even those who I haven’t seen in a year. I am grateful for the many experiences I’ve had. I am grateful for the universe of potential that lives inside of me. As I approach a quarter of a century, I am learning to be grateful.

Love,
Jo

Friday, July 20, 2007

thoughts…

It occurs to me that this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Pregnancy is hard. The thing is, we do it, and we like it, because we end up with a child to share genes and unconditional love with.

At least, we’re supposed to end up with a child.

Miscarriage is like if someone were to promise you a million dollars, and then instead of a check, they send you anthrax with a note that says, “sniff this shit, then I’ll give you a million dollars”. Then you are sick as a dog for a few months, then you get a note with an address at which to pick up your check, but when you get there someone punches you in the face, calls you a sucker, and steals your wallet.

So now, I’ve fallen for the promise again, and I’ve been sick as a dog for a few months… and I’ve got this letter in my hand…

I have an appointment in two and a half weeks with the midwife, at which we will listen for the heart beat. Its either there or it isn’t at that point.

I find myself expecting a punch in the face…

This sucks.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

waiting

Spotting. Couldn’t hear a heart beat. Ultrasound tomorrow morning.

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore—
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over—
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?
… We’ll see

Love
Jo

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

…
Punch in the face.

]]> By: Yuliya Welk http://mymommymanual.com/mommy-confessions-where-you-can-share/comment-page-1/#comment-806 Yuliya Welk Wed, 27 May 2009 13:59:14 +0000 http://mymommymanual.com/?p=1694#comment-806 ZenMommy, I'd love you to include my story in your book! The more people read all our insights, the easier the pain... When are you publishing? How does the whole publishing process look? I've always wanted to know what you do if you have something to publish... ZenMommy, I’d love you to include my story in your book! The more people read all our insights, the easier the pain… When are you publishing? How does the whole publishing process look? I’ve always wanted to know what you do if you have something to publish…

]]> By: ZenMommy http://mymommymanual.com/mommy-confessions-where-you-can-share/comment-page-1/#comment-805 ZenMommy Wed, 27 May 2009 13:36:23 +0000 http://mymommymanual.com/?p=1694#comment-805 maybe wether or not one tells is really more about who they are. some people are so immensely private that it would be harder for them to have people saying "i am sooo sorry" and "how are you doing". I myself had both experiences and I feel like for me it helped to tell the people i am close to "I'm pregnant!!!" :p so that they could share in my JOY. after so many losses...i knew this may be the only joy we'd share (as opposed to the joy of the birth). the people who knew I was pregnant really shared in my SORROW in a very deep way as well...a loss for THEM. anyway, such a personal decision but it is good to share about the benefits of telling eariler cause so many people wait. SOOOOO awesome to see so many people in here chatting and sharing their stories . you are all WARRIORS to me. LOVE!@!! Yullya, can you contact me? I have written at book on miscarriage called "Let It Be" about acceptance, not yet published, and i would like to add your story ;p. it is so rich with the exp i had which is that we can get a blessing in all our pain... maybe wether or not one tells is really more about who they are. some people are so immensely private that it would be harder for them to have people saying “i am sooo sorry” and “how are you doing”.

I myself had both experiences and I feel like for me it helped to tell the people i am close to “I’m pregnant!!!” :p so that they could share in my JOY. after so many losses…i knew this may be the only joy we’d share (as opposed to the joy of the birth). the people who knew I was pregnant really shared in my SORROW in a very deep way as well…a loss for THEM. anyway, such a personal decision but it is good to share about the benefits of telling eariler cause so many people wait.

SOOOOO awesome to see so many people in here chatting and sharing their stories . you are all WARRIORS to me. LOVE!@!! Yullya, can you contact me? I have written at book on miscarriage called “Let It Be” about acceptance, not yet published, and i would like to add your story ;p. it is so rich with the exp i had which is that we can get a blessing in all our pain…

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