Being honest about our feelings and making time to grieve. Though not easy, these two things are important.
I am a mother of nine, twins plus two and five baby angels and have found that grieving can be a lonely road.
I think we’re scared to ask one another about grief for fear of hurting or offending and we’re hesitate to share our stories of loss with others (whether they’ve asked to hear about it or not) for fear of looking like we are not “handling” things well. But I am going to ask you anyway. I’m going to share my story with you anyway. Because when we share our stories, slowly and maybe never quite fully, healing finds it’s way around our hearts.
I was embarrassed to admit how much I hurt.
Miscarriage blind sighted me, especially that first time. I knew something important was happening. I knew I was supposed to be paying attention, but I wanted to fight it with everything I had.
When one miscarriage turned into two and then three, I thought, “My GOD, I got it! What EVER you are wanting for me to KNOW, I GOT IT! Stop with the life lessons already!” They didn’t stop
My next pregnancy, what would become my fourth miscarriage, was my hardest. It’s like I thought if I held my breath or willed it with everything I had, this time, I would hold my baby; this time I would smell my baby. I ached for it. It was only when we’d made it into the clear of my second trimester that I started to loosen the grip I’d had on life. And then I miscarried again. Lily took flight and left me with a heart full of pain.
I’ve felt more emotions in loss than I thought humanly possible. Shame, blame, sadness, guilt, anger, pain, fear, emptiness, shallowness, jealousy, embarrassment, confusion, resentment. Way more than I thought I was supposed to feel. Somehow, I think I took on the belief early on with loss that grieving was a less than faithful thing. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be hopeful.
Miscarriage after miscarriage life brought me to my knees. It was still down there, more quiet than I remember life being, and I could heard Spirit’s whispers clearer. One of the things that Spirit whispered to me was this: “You are not the circumstances of your life. You are love and you can love this day.”
I cried the day after Virginia interviewed me for this morning news segment on miscarriage. I was just driving down the street and that old, familiar feeling of sadness and loss overwhelmed me. I was reminded how important, powerful, and yes, healing it is when we share our stories.
Thank you from my healing heart to yours for sharing in my story. I would be honored to share in yours here and on a website I started devoted solely to making time to simply be with grief and to share with one another called In The Face of Loss.
Please visit here for a list of other resources to source additional support for yourself and know deep in your soul… you are not alone.
Love and light,
Suzanne Tucker, PT, CEIM, mom of twins plus two and five baby angels, speaker, contributing author of Sunshine After The Storm and Creator of My Mommy Manual.com.