How To Stand

Well, sort of.

I actually don’t know where to begin here. This from a girl who is not usually at a loss for words. For those who know me well- jaws up off the table now please. Thank you.

There are very few things in our lives over which we have total and complete control. It’s an unfortunate by-product of being human. But I’ve alway been a firm believer that, no matter a person’s beginnings, every person can achieve greatness on their own individual terms whatever those terms may be. That may seem presumptuous given that not every person is dealt an ideal hand. And on my worst days I start to pedal backwards and I start to think I might just be wrong. Some people might just have no options. This is when I pull from storage some of my favorite inspirations. Helen Keller, Stevie Wonder, and this armless woman.

Oh yeah, there’s that. And my ‘woe is me‘ is shattered. Normally, that’s enough to get me back up and kicking. Except that there are those things that I can’t change. No matter how hard I work or how much time I put in. And maybe not even if I drain my bank account trying to turn ‘no‘ into ‘yes‘.

Things like when my body tells me no. Again.

Now, here is the part where I feel just a little like a crappy person. Because I have a baby. This, I know, is more than many others can say. So in some way it feels selfish of me to be so frustrated with the ‘no‘ I keep getting. I want to tell myself to relax, to be patient, to be thankful for what I already have. But to relax is not my way. My way of handling rejection has never been to accept it and move on. My way has been to handle it to the ground the way Chuck handled Tito in UFC 66. I’m a fighter.

Every fighter has to retire sometime. A small voice whispers to me. A nudge of discouragement daring me to get back up so it can know me down again. Fear creeps up my spine with what ifs and maybe nots. What if one is all there is? What if there are not any more?

Only I won’t stay down. What I know, now, is that acceptance doesn’t mean I am weak. It doesn’t make me less of a fighter. It just means that I will work with what I have. Stevie won’t have his eyes and the armless woman won’t have her arms. I may or may not have another baby left in in me. But I will stand. Sometimes that might require the assistance of a crutch or two. It might require the caring words of a good friend. It might require a shoulder to cry on. It might require a hand to hold.


Jennifer, aka Paramomal


  1. You go ahead on Jennifer. Love and blessings.

  2. And thank you for choosing to reach out to me, my friend. I’m so honored to hold your hand… because I’m one of those scrappy fighters too, that has a hard time accepting NO. We teach what we most need to learn, right? That must be why one of Yoga Parenting’s lessons is LETTING GO!

    I think that same small voice said the same thing to me, in the middle of my divorce. I felt like I was conceding defeat. At one point, I couldn’t even physically stand. But what was must crushing was what I perceived was my inability to stand up for myself. When I accepted that, then I experienced something bigger than me had the space to work miracles.

    I can only speak from my own experience, that life isn’t always what you plan. But if you allow it to be, it can be different and better than you expect.

  3. Dear Jennifer,
    Having interviewed nearly 100 adoptive parents for my latest book, many who had suffered from infertility or secondary infertility, would it be comforting to you to know that you’re not alone? Many parents would be holding your hand at this difficult time, and so would I.
    I love the way you wrestled through your painful thoughts and arrived at contentment, remembering that you are a survivor, a fighter.
    My only admonition is to not beat yourself up for wanting another child. There’s nothing, nothing wrong with that! It doesn’t mean you are discontent. Maybe your child is going to enter your family in another way than through birth? Ever considered adoption? Just a thought.
    Warm wishes,

  4. Arlene Maminta Browne says:

    Love your baby and yourself and find strength. The day is not over and you can continue the fight, especially if ithere is a tiny flame still burning inside you.
    Either way there is a Plan for you. Try to find solace in that and know that happiness is in your future.

    Sending warmest thoughts your way!

  5. You are giving women everywhere so much strength. We all have something in our life that we dream for, but for whatever reason the timing is ‘not yet.’
    Learning to accept ‘what is’ is a gateway to fulling being present for life– whatever it offers.

    Thanks for your courage ‘to Stand’.

  6. every person can achieve greatness…
    i will think of this when i think of you (my sweet and sometimes scrappy friend.) keep on KEEPING on! you make a difference in the world.

    when dealing with the loss and confusion of our repeat miscarriages. i was hoping (like you) for another… for us child #3- and no, you are not selfish to want a second child! i too wondered if i was selfish. i just felt another soul pulling for me to be “mommy”.

    just keep asking – keep listening to spirit to guide you. we kept asking and opening our hearts. and we also kept miscarrying. it hurt tons. we have five little angels from these difficult couple years… but i wouldn’t change these experiences for all the world. they gave me a great gift.

    i FINALLY learned what it meant to be down on my knees. to accept. to be.

    we are not the circumstances of our lives. we are life. we can love this day.

    on a happy note, i was give a gift greater than i could have asked for. it happened just after i had let go of the outcomes. accepted i could be complete with just two kiddos. i was given twins. healthy and fullterm and completely out of the blue. spirit is good like that. it just doesn’t always look or go how we have it. that’s what happened for me any-who.

    you can love this day.
    this day (and this woman typing this note) love you.

  7. Brought to tears by you all right now! Thank you so much for all your kind words.

    @Mary- Thank you!

    @Sherrie- I have ALWAYS had a part of me wanting to adopt. I have just always thought it would be so awesome to give a child out there- one who is probably lonely and in need- a loving home. Or to foster parent. I’ve considered it over and over. My husband and I have talked about it a little and right now he’s at a ‘maybe sometime down the road’ kind of place.

    @Arlene- Thank you so much. I know there is a plan…

    @Morgan- I know you are right. But, my my, the accepting sure can be difficult!!

    @Practical Mommy and Zen Mommy- I just love you both! Thanks so much for inviting me over… your guidance, advice, FRIENDSHIP has been a true blessing for me. =)

  8. You have expressed so eloquently what I and so many moms I know have felt at one point in our lives or another. For those of us who are tenacious in other aspects of our lives, always striving toward our goals, it’s difficult to accept that our fertility is so far out of our hands. Thank you for sharing this.

  9. Jennifer,
    There’s such a craziness going on in the US about adoption–everyone rushing to adopt as though they’re going to be declared guilty if they don’t.
    There are a select few parents/individuals that are “called” to adopt. After interviewing all the parents, you wouldn’t believe what I call “adoption conception” happened for each one of them. They each had a desire to adopt, without prompting from anyone else. You will be in my thoughts and prayers in the days ahead and if you ever want to “talk adoption” with me, I’d be more than happy to do so. I was adopted 65 years ago, reunited with my birthmother 16 years ago. I wouldn’t trade my life as an adopted person for anything.
    Love and hugs!

  10. Love yourself, love your child and love your life.There is nothing wrong with wanting another child and somehow this will work itself out. You will see. Life has a way of working itself out in ways you would not expect. Little miracles are always around the corner.
    I am sending you strength and hugs.

  11. @Sherrie- That is so awesome! I may just have to take you up on that offer as well…

    @Julia- I hope that other moms, or hopeful mom, out there can find comfort in knowing that they aren’t alone in what they are feeling. It’s amazing how we are all made to be similar in so many ways-including feelings that we all experience, yet we so often tend to feel that we are alone or that our situation is so unique that maybe someone else might not understand. I’m so happy to be able to share these feelings here and to know that there are others who are dealing with the same emotions and experiences.

    @Kim- hugs back

    Hugs to you all!

  12. Sweet Jennifer, something came to mind when I read your post about feeling better because you’re not alone. “When it’s shareable, it’s bearable.” Make sense? Let us help you carry the burden. We’ll be like the four friends in the Bible who took their friend on a stretcher to Jesus. The crowd was so big that they couldn’t get to Jesus. What did they do? They made a hole in the roof and lifted him down. We’ll be your stretcher bearers!
    Love and Hugs,


  1. […] may remember a post not so long ago about how much disappointment I was dealing with. About how badly I wanted to see a […]