How to Hurt

We all grieve in our own way. Add to that, there is no right or wrong way to grieve and you have two basic truth’s about grief that I discovered (and ultimately accepted) after much, much resistance.

My husband and I have had five miscarriages. A lot of living went into that simple sentence. Starting today, I am writing about my experiences with loss here on My Mommy Manual.

What I’m REALLY writing about is acceptance (or the lack there of) in my life. Acceptance. This is what life has been asking of me and teaching me all at the same time. Maybe you’ve had a miscarriage, or maybe you haven’t, but most likely you’ve experienced loss in one way or another.

As I write this we are grieving as a nation. Less than a week ago there was a tragic shooting spree in Tucson Arizona – six people killed and 13 injured. One of the dead includes a nine year old little girl. She was senselessly murdered, taken in a flash with no warning. Her parents will never tuck their daughter into bed again, never kiss her sweet forehead or hold her hand; denied even a last “I love you.”

We all hurt for this terrible, terrible tragedy. So many lives affected by one young man who picked up a gun and began to shoot. When unthinkable things happen, how do we find the strength to keep on living?

The following is an except from a book I am writing on acceptance and though it is written specifically for women healing through miscarriage, this conversation is for us all. I hope you’ll return weekly as we take this conversation to the next level. Ultimately, I’d like to add your insights to my book. Through our sharing, may we live ever more fully, a life of acceptance.

Here is the first section. Thank you for joining me in this, what I hope will be a dialog between us. I look forward to your comments.

NAMASTE

BEING WITH GRIEF

“Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself like you would a best friend or a beloved sister. Go slowly. We’re almost always hardest on ourselves.

And if EVER, as you read this book and/or reflect on your life, you find you are beating yourself up, stop! See if instead of judging yourself for judging yourself, you can take a deep breath. Say these words aloud or in the silence of your mind, “We all grieve in our own way. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.”

Can we find purpose and meaning in all things that happen in our lives?  Do gifts or blessings really ever come from challenging experiences?  Can we be happy even if the things happening in our lives are not? If so, how?

These are the questions I’d like to explore with you in the chapters (posts) to come.

By sharing my experiences with miscarriage, my many struggles with acceptance and ultimately, the blessings I have received along the way, may I be a support to you as you live, heal and take time to be with your life experiences as well.”

——-

Suzanne Tucker, publisher of MyMommyManual.com and co-creator of YogaParenting, an online course helping parents create more joy and less stress in parenting.

Comments

  1. Suzanne – amazing post here!

    In my experience going through suffering (in your case five miscarriages, in my case losing my mom) forces up to a place of acceptance. Acceptance can imply being passive, but I think it takes a lot of “active courage” to feel everything we feel, appreciate those feelings, and live fully.

    You are like a hurricane! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Obfci1CIqq8

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  2. Taking this all in… is there at my edge, the hardest of all feelings. Thank you for being there with me, friend.

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  3. John, Your youtube link is my confirmation – this is a great conversation to be having online. And I now have a two-word definition for acceptance: active courage. Thank you for that. Remind me, when am I gonna meet you (ITRW)? #2011wishfulthinking

    Ria, On the edge. I know this place. I have a poem for you. Sending it now. Love you. Suzanne

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  4. While I have not delt with the pain of a misscarrage, I have had to deal with the grief of knowing I have Attention Defict Disorder and Depression. At fisrt I could not accept who I was. All I could do was define who I was by my disablity. With alot of hard work with my therapist and a loving faith community I know I am far more than my disablity. Yes, it is a part of me but I do not let it define who I am!

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  5. Thank you Michelle, for opening the conversation up beyond loss and death… to the grief we feel accepting all the many challenging things we might face in this life. All born from that same painful place inside us that wants to hold on tight to how we’d have it be… instead of what is. You’re sharing will surely inspire others still struggling to accept a health condition, disease and/or disorder.

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  6. Suzanne:

    People reading this may believe I am being dramatic when I say that you are indeed an Angel on this great Earth. So many of us grieve, and though the pain is great — often — we won’t let go.

    Your testimony — and your Life is clear evidence that we can and must “alchemize” the pain and fear. . .no matter what. They are paralyzing and keep us from somehow, often only through the Grace of God, continuing forward. We are all hurting, as you astutely noted, and yet we should all take a moment to realize how many others are homeless and destitute beyond our experience. We should count our Blessings…especially when Life is hard.

    I am inspired by your example and humbled to know that your mission of caring will resonate wide and far. It is that Spirit which will create a better and healthier world, one person at a time. Thank you, Suzanne, for your service.

    Be well…and Godspeed, dear friend.

    Kevin

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  7. I, too, suffered multiple miscarriages, but have been blessed with two healthy children as well. I wasn’t until I was well into my full-term pregnancy that I fully grieved the loss of the first. I finally came to understand just what I had lost. After my son was born, which was followed by miscarriage #2, I accepted that this child might be my only. And as much as I wanted a sibling for him, I was OK with that. For my patience, I was blessed with a daughter. The 2 subsequent miscarriages were difficult, but perhaps not as much as the first, as my family was complete. My prayers to all families who experience early loss.

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  8. Loosing a child is the cruelest loss of all and a miscarriage, many times, leaves parents with no physical evidence of their loss which can complicate the grieving process.
    Isolation also complicates the grieving process. So many of my clients suffer from being all alone with a loss. If we are lucky, friends and family acknowledge our loss but for so many grief lasts much longer than the initial support that is given us. This is when the real “dark night of the soul” begins.
    Well meaning people try to “fix” us and that makes us feel even more alone.
    We have to do our own grieving but it is much easier if we have someone to “hold our hand” and not judge us.

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  9. This is one of the worst things, I was blessed to have my son from the first time we tried with my husband.

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  10. Your words of understanding for all our readers are much appreciated. Blessings to you Kevin, Barbara, Maria and Janet.

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  11. Barbara,
    I’d like to share your story with other moms healing through miscarriage. Would you be willing to email me in a bit more detail your experience grieving your first miscarriage when you were well into your next pregnancy? It will go into a portion of the book exploring this very thing.
    info @ mymommymanual (dot) com
    BLESSINGS!!!

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