I’ve been unapologetically absent here in 2011. Since November/December of 2010, when I was challenged to examine the way I work and live in the world, it’s been a process of letting go of old patterns of behavior. The way I was engaging here was clearly off — not in the outcome because I truly believe in the community we are creating and supporting — but my process.

Let me tell you how it was… like many bloggers I know, I was burning the candle at both ends. We had way too many commitments for the number of hours in the day: TV appearances, guest columns/posts, events… and as much as we loved creating content and providing resources for our moms and partners, I came to the realization that regardless of how successful we are, I just could not maintain this pace.

I actually had to “walk the walk” and listen to my intuition, which was saying that I had to put this down and allow the Universe to guide me to a new way of “doing,” one that is actually sustainable.

That’s where I’ve been for 2011. Learning a lot about boundaries, about grace, about relationships, and about humility. That is a big lesson: humility — that I can’t do it all, that whether or not I work an extra five hours that day or work at all that day makes not one iota of difference in the grand game of life on this planet, that if I hang on stubbornly to the belief that the only way that things get done is if I DO IT MYSELF, I am limited by the capacity of my own effort — which is not all that much.

That ego-driven thought is a tough cookie. It was born out of my need to survive my childhood but I know in my heart that to achieve my life purpose, it’s a way of being that has to end.

I’d love to say that here I am, a brand-new me in 2012. But in truth, it’s with tentative steps that I dip my toe back in, knowing more than ever how little I know about life and mothering but with a much more open heart to receive guidance from that still, small voice.

I hope you’ll join me on what I hesitate to call a “journey” as much as a stroll… to rediscover an honest and humble place in the family of things.

~ Ria

My mom suffered from postpartum depression. And it altered the course of her life and mine forever. I’ve had dear friends whose relationships with their children and partners have similarly been affected in a deep and defining way by PPD. One of them is my friend, Katherine Stone. Babble included her blog, Postpartum Progress in the Top 10 Mom Blogs of 2011, naming it as a groundbreaking resource for moms and moms-to-be.

I happen to agree. If you are a new mom and are struggling… please check it out. And if you or someone you love need some pre- postpartum support, I have another great resource.

Katherine, in conjunction with me and Jen Lemen, just completed a project specifically designed to provide gentle guidance and promote maternal mental health. It’s called Daily Hope and is delivered every weekday for a year directly to your inbox.

It features quotes and messages from Katherine, accompanied by the breathtaking images of British photographer Xanthe Berkeley. Katherine has been piloting this program for a year and is one of the ways she has been invaluable to the PPD community.

So for just $49, you can give the gift of a year of Daily Hope this holiday season, a light in the middle of the night of darkness that I know we sometimes feel as new moms.

Hugs to you,
Ria

In the US alone, $14.6B is spent annually on Mother’s Day for “stuff” that could just never say what’s in our hearts. What if instead, we all just unleashed that love on the world? How would it impact our world if we stopped using stuff as a surrogate for love? What if we invested that love to make the world a better place for Mamas & children everywhere? ~ To Mama With Love

What a radical idea, right? I don’t know about you but I’m so excited about this chance to celebrate all the moms in my life and celebrate being a mom by doing something to “mother” the world.

Last year, our friends at Epic Change launched To Mama with Love, a global collaborative online art project to raise money for Mama Lucy to build a school in Arusha, Tanzania. In less than a week leading up to Mother’s Day 2010, the site raised $17,000. The school has been built… look!

This year, To Mama With Love is expanding to support the work of four extraordinary women (see video): Mama Lucy Kamptoni in Tanzania, Suraya Pakzad in Afghanistan, Maggie Doyne and Renu Bagaria, both in Nepal.

Tonight, when my kids get home from school, we’re going to create heartspaces for my mom, my grandma, my aunt and sister, who all live in the Philippines. And, my aunt in Wisconsin. Thank goodness because cards will never make it in time and oops, that book that I meant to mail is still sitting on the kitchen counter. *sigh*

You can participate by creating a heartspace in honor of a mama you love. You’ll personalize your heartspace with photos, video, poems and artwork – anything you want to share your love for a mama. Heartspaces can be shared with your friends and family so that they can contribute additional funds in honor of your mama and even write comments on the wall of your mama’s heartspace.

Love can change everything!

This Sunday, Suzanne and I are facilitating a workshop at Passport to Power — a day-long mom-daughter conference in St. Louis. The event’s mission is one we strongly believe in, empowering girls through stronger connections with their female role models. Our morning session is called Sing Your Truth and will focus on how to tune into our own inner wisdom and how to model this for our girls. Of course, our regular readers know we can talk about this for days!!!

Intuitive guidance is a gift — a compass in a confusing world of too much external input, competing and conflicting agendas, and no clear cut answers. I already see it in my before-bed conversations with my daughter: My friends want this, but I don’t. Is that bad? Should I tell so-and-so what she said? Our night time ritual is now loaded with questions that are a lot more complicated than they were, even just last year. My response is usually a version of, “What does your gut tell you?”

But how much do we tune in to what our gut tells us? How often do we slow down enough to listen to the truth that our bodies already know? It’s an undoing or an unlearning, really. Because society places so much value in what we can decipher with our heads, what is logical, what makes sense….  As we “grow up,” we are taught to ignore what our gut tells us for what intellectual evidence our mind provides. In this sad way, we are unconsciously taught to distrust ourselves. And if we can’t trust ourselves, who can we trust?

The mental/emotional noise reaches a fever pitch in moments of real crisis. That’s just not the time to start turning to our inner guidance. If you start learning how to swim in the baby pool, you’ll actually fare better when you get tossed out in the raging sea. So I like suggesting that we start this practice with ourselves and our kids with the easy stuff: Does your body say, eggs or pancakes for breakfast?

The advanced level questions are ones like: What does my body say about this job/project/relationship?

Last week, I had the opportunity to steal away to Mexico for five days. No one else but me! Which meant this: I ate when I was hungry, I drank when I was thirsty, I slept when I was tired! It was an opportunity to tune into my body in a very elemental way. It was like a re-setting of the compass, back to due north. Since my re-entry into the noisy world, I’ve been practicing checking in and allowing my gut to set my priorities and guide my path. It’s been nothing less than magical!

So if you are in St. Louis, I hope you’ll join us on April 3, 9-3pm at The Doubletree Hotel in Chesterfield. It’s going to be a fabulous day. My dear friend and expert dreamer, Jen Lemen is doing the opening keynote on planting dreams for a hopeful world, so we can all learn how discovering and claiming your dreams can you help you develop and grow. Our breakout session for the moms is right afterwards, while parenting expert Annie Fox works with the girls on “Real Friends vs. The Other Kind.”

But it’s not all talk! There’s a luncheon, makeovers, massages, hairstyling, crafts, lots of photo opps, a boutique and silent auction. Oh yes, in addition to being a great day to spend with your daughter, Passport to Power is also a fundraiser for Girls In The Know, a nonprofit that hosts a speaker series year-round in St. Louis that helps start conversations between moms and tweens on body image, relationships, safety and the birds and the bees.

Space is limited at the hotel so go grab your tickets now!

This is such an important conversation. Are you a bad mother?

In honor of the Guilt-Free parenting week we kicked off for BabyCenter.com last week, I pulled out these awesome interviews on being a “bad mother” in today’s world.  Watch as Ria Sharon and I team up with three other outspoken and prolific mom bloggers to interview best-selling author, Ayelet Waldman’s memoir, Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace. We interviewed Ayelet live on MyMommyManual.com a week after the book’s release and as part of a book tour that also included a session with Terry Gross on Fresh Air and another on the Today Show.

“You guys are amazing! I’ve been writing for ten years and this has definitely been the most fun, the most interesting, the most creative interaction I’ve ever had with readers and I’m so grateful to you all. You’re the bomb.” ~ Ayelet Waldman

If you would rather listen to the skype audio only… (no echo!), click HERE!

One of our mommies said this about this morning’s event…

“Let me push you to doing more of these b/c they are fantastic. I really loved how honest the conversation was. I think women in particular need to reclaim our “gut level” instinct & not be afraid to be honest & real no matter what people think we “should” do.”

WE KEPT THE CONVERSATION GOING!

We invited moms to join us a week later on May 18th to continue the Bad Mother conversation and how this issue is reflected in many women’s lives. We even dove into the topic of “Bad Dad”,  the societal pressures men and women feel. Don’t miss the end where we talk about being selfish and how we women GET to encourage one other  with a little more “ass-slaping”. Yes, it got a little crazy. There was a lot of laughing and much inspiration in the raw, honest talk between us… five moms, yes, but five women as well.

——–

Suzanne Tucker is publisher of MyMommyManual.com and co-creator of YogaParenting, an online parenting course. If you liked what you read here, she hopes you’ll JOIN My Mommy Manual for always free parenting tips, inspired by the idea that we get to “look inside for instructions”.

The new year is a time to turn our thoughts to fitness and renewal. There’s fresh hope that this will be the year we look our best. Sadly, the older we get, the fewer calories it takes to run our bodies — making this goal all the less likely.

The #1 Way to Prevent Arthritis? Get in Motion Jingle Jog 2010

But don’t get down. There’s a New Year choice: Give it up now and save on the gym membership. Or dig deep and challenge yourself to try something new.

“No” her OB/GYN said. Dawn breathed a sigh of relief. “It’s 2/3 less calories. You have to eat 2/3 less to maintain.”

Dawn has lived in Paris and knows a thing or two about fine wine, delectable cheese and tasty bread. “2/3 less” isn’t on her menu. She decided to fight back and hired a personal trainer to help her prepare for a half marathon this spring. An admirable thing for anyone, but especially for Dawn as she’d never run before in her life. Not once.

For me, it’s been a Godsend. I’ve been lumbering along trying to become a gym person, someone who gets out at lunch, sweats it out, showers and goes about my day. But my workout partner moved back east. So, half of the time I’d end up at the gym, the other half at the Chic-fil-a right nearby. The Chic-fil-a was just so much easier. I didn’t even have to get out of my car.

So when Dawn asked if I’d run a 5K with her, I jumped at the chance. It was fall and the holiday pounds were on the horizon (make that on the lips, soon to be the hips). At our first 5K, I thought my lungs would explode. Seems lifting the Chic-fil-a isn’t such a good workout after all. But I finished. Mostly because I was too embarrassed not to.

The next month we signed up for a second race. This time I actually got out and ran a bit beforehand. (Not looking foolish can be a strong motivator.) We weren’t the fastest but not the slowest either. While we ran it occurred to me that she’s been looking good from all this training so I asked.

“Are you in your skinny jeans?”

She nodded. I was filled with happiness for my friend, but a touch of jealousy too.

At the booths after the race, we met a soccer player who started her own fitness hat company. She designed these hood-looking (in a good way) hats that have space for your ponytail and a brim to keep out the rain. Her company motto is “Wear Your Confidence.” She was inspired by her dad’s dedication to overcome heart disease and teach his children to find their passion. We both bought hats. Inspired by her we decided to start a running club and reached out to a few moms.

That following Saturday our friend Alissa met us for a run at the local coffee shop. It’s not a really a club yet but it’s a start. We chatted and the miles flew past. Before I knew it we’d run 3 miles. As I stepped off the curb to leave my new “group”, I passed an acquaintance MaryAnn. She is a beautiful former ballerina who always walks with grace. I felt as beautiful as her. I was walking tall and wearing my confidence — plus feeling a little high again from running.

Hope Your New Year is Through the Roof and Over the Top: Monica's Roof

It comes down to the cheering. It’s about encouraging each other on and helping each other out. My really unique, strong and wonderful Aunt Ellen who is a nun makes an annual habit of cheering on runners for the NYC Marathon. This year, my sister Monica joined her at her usual spot in Harlem. The runners wear their names on their shirts so Monica and Aunt Ellen cheered things like, “Go Bob, you’re doing great.” Or “Yea, Janet, you’ve come so far!” And so on. My sister said it was a beautiful thing to see their faces light up in appreciation.

Inspired by Dawn, I’ve decided to train for the half marathon this spring too. And it’s not just the desire to cheer on my friend. My motivations are shallow too: I’ve never seen a marathon type who isn’t lean and jogging just makes me feel high. I may not fit my skinny jeans yet. But I’m walking tall and wearing my confidence more and more. Skinny jeans don’t have to be literal. They can also be a state of mind. And I’m living in them no matter my size.

Margee Moore is an advertising copywriter and mother of two. Her collection “Sleeping With the Laundry” is available on the iPhone, iPod Touch and now the iPad too.

Courage originally meant, “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” ~ Brené Brown

I’ve watched this video at least 15 times. I posted it on Facebook. I shared it on Twitter. I emailed it to my friends and family And I swear, my personal tagline: thinker living by heart — was created at least a week BEFORE listening to Brené Brown.

But don’t you love the magical way that The Universe (and the internet) brings like minds and souls together?

I was inspired, of course, to buy her book, The Gifts of Imperfection and I’m locking myself in “the cave” to devour it. Already, this line on page xi has grabbed me: “It was clear from the data that we cannot give our children what we don’t have.” Sound familiar?

So apparently the personal quest that I’ve been on for these last few years has not been a solo mission. Not only has Brené been on a similar journey but so was everyone who replied to my email with “Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to see that today.” … or variations of it.

Brene packs in 20:45 min with lots to chew on. I’m certain that each of us got something — exactly what we needed out of it, whether “Connection is why we’re here.” or “You can’t selectively numb.”

For me as a mom, this was yet another reminder of how important it is for us to be courageous. And to be courageous, we have to LOOK INSIDE.

Yes, it’s so much easier to stay on the surface. Certainly, it’s less messy and uncomfortable but the price we pay is steep. We are electing to lop off huge chunks of our hearts in order to keep our hands clean. When we opt out of disappointment and heartache, we also pass on joy and bliss.

You who have, through small miracles lived through both ends of the spectrum, know the real cost.

It’s Christmas is in two days. Can you give the gift of courage to your children?

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W.

If you are interested in joining me for an online class focusing on the themes of Brené’s work, find out more about the Winter Session of Dream Lab. Class starts JANUARY 10.

“Do you know why Santa is always jolly?” my husband said to me last year as we were driving together to purchase our Christmas tree.

“No, why?” I replied on queue like the well-trained straight man of umpteen years of marriage.

“Because he knows where all the bad girls live,” he said. I laughed.

Make the Holidays Memorable, Try an Ice Skating Field Trip!

“Where’s that?” my son piped up from the back seat. He really wanted to know.

The holidays seem to come faster every year. By Halloween, the outdoor plants at Home Depot are all gone and Christmas trees fill every nook and cranny of the store. At some malls, Christmas music even accompanies back-to-school shopping. There is no stopping Christmas. But we can slow it down and cherish every moment. Here are some ideas.

Don’t Dilute the Season

Set your own parameters and jump into the season on your terms. Fend off the push to start early. I like to dive in on Black Friday and get out with the crowds to catch the excitement — and the sales of course. Make the season memorable by planning one small holiday event each weekend, such as getting the tree, catching the lighting ceremony or skating at a rink. Create a visual of the season’s shortness by planning these events on a big calendar everyone can see.

Count it Down

My son can’t seem to memorize his division tables but he can instantly calculate the number of days to Christmas. Use your little Human Holiday Calculator to help build the excitement. Get an advent calendar or add a days-to-Christmas countdown to your fridge.

Celebrate Cyber Monday

Cyber Monday is the virtual Black Friday. In offices all across America, it’s the Monday-after-Thanksgiving phenomenon where people collectively panic about their holiday lists. Suddenly, the fingers start shopping online sites during work time. So, join the crowd and make the most of it. Your boss is doing it too.

Wrap it Up Early

Shopping is not recreation. Recreation is recreation. Make lists and get it done to have more time for fun. Draw names with extended family. Really. They want this too.

Wrap it Literally

My friend Teresa decided not to wrap gifts one year because of how fast they were unwrapped on Christmas morning. She experimented with simply leaving piles of gifts for each child under the tree.

It was a fiasco. Her daughter felt slighted by Santa and asked if Santa was too busy for her this year. Teresa never left a gift unwrapped again.

Create a Slow Tradition

Making crafts can certainly slow down time. Even baking cookies can take up a whole afternoon. Get online for ideas, get the stuff, make a mess and create a tradition.

Make it Special

For my daughter, my husband has this show-her-the-finer-side-of-life theory of gift giving. He wants to head off any possibility that she will marry a folk singer. This is a palpable fear of his as she really likes the music. So he buys her nice things that a folk singer could not get her. For the longest time, she was the only five-year-old on the planet with pearls and she does cherish them. But the smart thing about getting one very special gift is that you’ve got an anchor. You don’t have to worry about adding too many other gifts, leaving more time for holiday enjoyment.

Be Thoughtful

People mention things they want all year long. You only have to listen. Besides the pearls example above, gifts don’t really have to cost a lot. For my dad, I’m scanning up old photos for a slide show. For my husband, I’m going to get his favorite book D-Day signed by the author. The time spent creating thoughtful gifts adds to the Christmas spirit.

Remember the Reason

The first year we moved here, I asked my children if they wanted to be angels and shepherds in the holiday procession at church. My son instantly was 100% sure he wanted to be a shepherd and said so. My daughter said, “I want to be a ballerina.”

I explained that 2000 years ago there were angels, shepherds, wise men, animals and Inn Keepers. There were no ballerinas.

“I want to be a ballerina,” she said again. I put my smart-mom noggin in gear.

“You mean a ballerina that wears a white dress and a tinsel halo?” I asked. She was two at the time and much easier to trick.

“Yes!” she replied. Problem solved.

We went to Holiday Mass with our Shepherd and Angel/Ballerina to say our thanks and remember the tiny baby who started it all. Christmas stood still for an entire hour.

Margee Moore is an advertising copywriter, mother of two and author of the iPhone book app Sleeping With the Laundry. Makes a great t0-me-from-me-love-me gift!

Is this a “How to Let Go” or a “How to Move On”? Or maybe it’s a “How to Be Successful”. Because, essentially, it is really a little of each and I was quite torn on which title would best suite this post. But for all intents and purposes, when listed in the preceding order these how-to’s are placed exactly in the order by which you would get yourself from the first point to the last point. So, maybe this should be a mini-series? I might just let you all decide.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned it somewhere before, I’m not one to let go. To me, letting go has always meant giving up. Except, maybe it’s really not.

I’ve always had a penchant for sticking things out. You know that one song with the lyrics that go, “hold on loosely, but don’t let go”? Try “hold on tightly and don’t let go.” That second one is me. Don’t get me wrong, perseverance is a mighty good thing but only to a point.

When I was in high school and I had to move to a different town I was determined to remain faithful to my boyfriend- even though my dad didn’t want me to have anything to do with him. No telephone contact. Not even letters. Only, the letters rule was a surprise. I found out when I accidentally stumbled on a few and a picture the boyfriend had sent me that didn’t make it to the trash can. I found a way to make contact. I didn’t date anyone else. I didn’t even go out because I didn’t want other guys to get the wrong idea. For  TWO YEARS!!!

Do you know how long that is in high school time? It’s kinda like dog years. In the end, there was an end. I met someone else and he wasn’t right for me either, but by that time I was much more willing to move on.

Flash forward a few years to my marriage. Crumbling after only TWO years. Hold on tightly, I thought. Don’t let go. But the tight holding only made things worse. It made the fighting worse. It made me miserable. I lost 20 pounds in just a few weeks time. And then I did it. I told my husband, “If you need to go, that’s okay. But I love you.” I left him alone. I let him think. I let myself think. Was this even what I wanted? Why were we both so miserable? Once we were able to relax, we were able to work through it.

And now? I’m letting go of something else. A long standing dream of mine. A dream that will never be realized, because I realized it might just not be what I really wanted after all. I am not a writer.

Feels kind of weird to shake hands with it after staring at it for so long.

Next time, How to Let Go: The Process (The one where I actually walk you through the steps of letting go one at a time. Don’t be scared, hold my hand.)

I can’t tell you how many friends I’ve talked to lately that have been bracing themselves for the holiday season. I know, there are a million extra things on your to-do list but… nothing good can come from holding yourself so tightly like that! I’m a one trick pony on advice here… BREATHE!

But Lee Woodruff is the author of Perfectly Imperfect: A Life in Progress. She has some tips for us on beating the stress for the holidays… not just for Thanksgiving, but for all those typically stressful times!

1. Get organized.

2. Ask for help.

3. Reward yourself.