The Three Fights Every Parent Has With Their Kid and How to Stop Them

by Vanessa Van Petten

When I was 16 I thought it was my Dad’s goal in life to make me miserable. I was convinced that he had a running list of all the ways he could embarrass me in front of my friends, trick me into doing more chores or make my curfew earlier. In fact we had three of the most common parent-kid fights:

1. The “It’s Not Fair” Fight

Examples:
-Older brother gets to stay out late with his friends. Teen finds this grossly unfair.
-Parent gets to have soda, child does not. Teen finds this grossly unfair.
-Teenager cannot buy new outfit for dance because it is too expensive. Teen finds this grossly unfair.

2. The “Treat Me Like A Grown-Up” Fight

Examples:
-Teen wants to be able to stay out late with friends. Parents say no. Teen thinks they are being treated like a child.
-Teen wants to go away for Spring Break, parents say no. Teen thinks they are being treated like a child.

3. The “We Are a Different Person” Fight

Examples:
-Parent wants their teen to join band, teen doesn’t want to.
-Parent expects higher grades and when teen doesn’t do well, a huge fight ensues.
-Teen does not keep room tidy, parent gets upset when guests come over.

We would have these kinds of fights over and over again until one day I saw my Dad reading a parenting book. I flipped through it while my Dad was in the bathroom and realized a lot of the things he did that drove me crazy he was getting right out of this book! I looked at the other parenting books on our shelves and realized that they were all written by adults. I wondered—has anyone ever asked teens to write to their parents?

I decided to build a website where teens could answer questions and write to parents called RadicalParenting.com. I couldn’t believe how quickly it grew and how happy both teens were to get their voices out and parents were to have a new outlet for connecting with their kids! We now have over 120 teen writers who give advice. Here is what they had to say about solving each of the common parent fights:

1. The “It’s Not Fair” Fight

Emotional Intent: When you hear a teen talk about how unfair something is, what they are often feeling is, “I am not important or special enough.” If you feel like your teenager is constantly arguing about justice or fairness, they are most likely feeling like they are not being heard or cared about enough to get what they want. Of course, this is usually not the case. In the examples above parents would be worried about safety, health and money, while teens feel like they are not as important as their sibling, that their parents do not understand how important the dance is, and so on.

Solutions: The best way to stop the “it’s Not Fair” fight is to address the emotional intent. The best way to do this is for parents to push into the “it’s not fair” feeling from their children instead of pushing against it. For instance in the new outfit example a parent might say to their teen, “I hear you think this is unfair, will you tell me why?” A teen will most likely respond, “You buy stuff for yourself all the time,” or “But I deserve this dress.” These answers are important because it will show the parent the emotional intent behind the upset and feelings of injustice. If a parent addresses these by saying something like, “I could see how you feel like us not buying this for you is about you not feeling worthy. But the truth is we are trying to save for the big vacation we are taking this summer—which is for all of us. I know how important this dance is for you. Maybe we can get you a new pair of shoes or…” then the fight is stopped.

2. The “Treat Me Like A Grown-Up” Fight

Emotional Intent: Most fights during the teen years are actually based in this ‘treat me like a grown-up’ motivation. The earlier you can catch and address it the better it will be. It derives from the fundamental pulling away that comes with a teen trying to assert their independence.

Solutions: It is very important for parents to discuss reasons for decisions that are making a teenager angry. This way teens are sure to understand the real reasons for a parent’s choice. Another great way to help teenagers get less upset in fights surrounding their maturity is for parents to help teens feel mature in other ways. For example, perhaps parents do not want their teen to go away for the whole Spring Break because they want to have family time. A great way to address this with teens is to say clearly, “We really want to have family time with you, but we know you are getting older, so how about you do a weekend camping trip with your friends for one of the weekends.” This teaches teens you trust them, but it is all about balancing needs.

3. The “We Are a Different Person” Fight

Emotional Intent: Often times teenagers tell me that they will purposefully keep their room dirty or choose unapproved hobbies just so they can be different from their parents. Parents frequently misinterpret room cleaning or bad grades for laziness, when something deeper might be going on. Teenagers often will ‘misbehave’ or fight with parents simply to show them that they are their own person—even if it gets them into trouble.

Solutions: First, it’s important to make sure that you do want your child to be their own person. Be careful not to push expectations or your own goals onto your kids. Second, make sure teenagers know that some of the requirements you have for them (good grades a tidy room for guests) are not to make them feel less like an individual, but for them to have more choices in their future and to present a nice home to guests. I recommend parents being very direct with teenagers about their need to be ‘their own person’ you might be surprised what common fights are actually based in this emotional intent.

I think teens and parents can work together to overcome their differences and learn to work best together. We have just come out with our book: Do I Get My Allowance Before or After I’m Grounded and it is a radical approach to parenting because it is written from the kid’s perspective! We would love for you to check it out—if you are brave enough to see what kids have to say!

I love, love, love the fact that Rosalind Wiseman reminds us that we matter to our tweens!

Sometimes it’s easy to forget that when all they talk about is what their friends think — it seems that the only opinions that are those of their peers. I’m just starting down this road with my nine-year old daughter, who would jump at the chance for an outing with her besties (on most days) over some Q.T. with me. Ironically, this is the time when it’s probably most important for us to stay connected… because there are a lot more “stress-inducing moments” than ever before.

So we create opportunities to talk and stay connected but in a way that also respects their growing need to assert some independence. Tricky business, isn’t it? Thank goodness I got to be part of this conversation with Rosalind Wiseman and some other really wise moms about how to keep those lines of communication open. And thanks to Unilever and Bliss TV for pulling it all together for us.

Disclosure: this post sponsored by Bliss TV

All you moms of tweens and teens will appreciate this: I had the chance to talk to Rosalind Wiseman, my Twitter friend and also author of Queen Bees and Wannabees. She visited with several moms about how they talk to their tweens about… (no, not about sex)… about sweat! Yup, that birds and bees conversation also includes the physical changes that come with puberty… increased hormones causing noticeable changes — like growth spurts and strange new odors. It’s all just part of life.

Like it or not, my daughter is just getting to that age. She’s curious about how babies are made. Some of her friends are already wearing bras! And she’s asked me questions about “the bleeding.” What I’ve found works best is just creating space for these conversations to happen naturally. Instead of scheduling a time for “the talk,” I want to create time for us to just be together, and for her to share what’s on her mind. Many times, this is right before bed and she just naturally downloads.

That’s what I shared in the Bliss TV videos and on Unilever’s Don’t Fret the Sweat site. The Facebook Page sponsored by Unliever – maker of Degree, Dove and Suave deodorants – has money saving offers and expert tips, tools and real life stories about how parents helping their tweens become confident and self-reliant teens. I’m honored to be part of it and hope you’ll join me in the always interesting journey of parenting a tween… right, Zen Mommy!

Disclosure: this post sponsored by Bliss TV.