Thick As Thieves

I wanted to share a story about my dear friend, Julie. We met five years ago, when we found ourselves on the first day of school, dropping off our girls in Kindergarten. I’m not sure who was more nervous then, the kids or the moms!

Since then, we’ve been “thick as thieves,” as they say. We’ve shared many a laugh… like the time I dragged her to my strip aerobics class and she called me the next day to report that her a** was so sore, she could barely lower herself to the toilet seat. Hey, we’re moms. I know you’ve all done that move… snicker while you can!

We’ve also shared more serious moments, like the time I called her at 5 am saying I was leaving my marriage and needed a place to stay. Or, the day she called and told me that she had tested positive for BRCA1.

BRCA1 (and BRCA2) are tumor suppressor genes. Mutations in these genes are linked to hereditary breast and ovarian cancer. At the time, [Read more...]

Hey, Connection Isn’t Always Easy

re·la·tion·ship [ri-ley-shuhn-ship] noun

1. a connection, association, or involvement.

2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.

3. an emotional or other connection between people.

4. a sexual involvement; affair.

Being a mother, wife, lover, woman, friend… sometimes it’s hard. Maybe it’s just that by definition relationships are hard. Look above. The word connection is used in three of the four explanations of relationship and hey, connection isn’t always easy.

I opened the Bible on a day years ago when life and my relationships were getting the better of me. I was down and looking for some encouragement. I love to open certain books (the Bible being one of my favorites to do this with) to a random page and let where ever my finger falls speak to me. The words on which I land almost always knock me off my feet with the wisdom they hold. A word, passage or an entire page; on this day the message for me was contained in a single word.

“Ephphatha!” (which means, “Be opened!”). Mark 7:34

This single word spoke volumes to my heart [Read more...]

I (Heart) My BFF’s

Much ado is made in February over your romantic relationships but that’s not the only kind of love that makes the world go ’round. For me and for many women — the relationships we have with our girlfriends are the ones that keep the day-to-day wheels spinning. After all, when you’re sick, or say… having a baby… who picks up your kids from school, makes sure your family is fed? It’s your posse that just magically knows what do to, many times without you even having to say anything, right?

My girlfriends have nurtured me – not just in those physical ways. They’ve been there to support me emotionally and spiritually too. It’s my girls who can most often call me on my B.S. – pointing out (always gently, of course) when I’m being self-absorbed, ridiculous, judgy, or not asserting myself enough. I know who to call when I’m in the middle of a shame spiral. Or many times, they call me.

It’s great having that psychic connection! (Ahem, @ZenMommy!)

One of the things I most appreciate about my very best friendships is the fact that we create safe places for each other. I feel safe to be who I am — not who I aspire to be or who I hope to be — but whoever I need to be right now, which may not be my “best.” I can be unshowered, frazzled, in the middle of an emotional breakdown– and that’s okay. My bff’s give me permission to be myself. Even when I’m guilty of the worst offenses — like neglecting our friendship — my true friends are going to let me off the hook… because, as one of my soul sisters likes to say, “I know your heart.”

In this way, we are all alike: kids and grown-ups. When we feel safe and accepted, we feel we can push ourselves into growing and learning, discovering aspects of ourselves that would be way too scary to explore under other circumstances. That space of vulnerability is where connection and magic happens. It’s why, at the end of the day, the only friendships/relationships with any real staying power are the ones where you can open up.

So as we close the “Valentine’s Month,” take some time to reflect on the women you love and appreciate, who “know your heart.”

Thank you, @ZenMommy for being an amazing mentor, teacher and guide as well as being the very best friend evah! Thank you for knowing my heart and sharing yours! Xo

I’m on Great Day St. Louis on Wednesday sharing ideas on creative ways to connect and nurture the other “siginificant others” in your life.

Hat tip to Monnie Brodbeck and to her Women’s Adventure Group, who are committed to their friendship and pushing each other out of their comfort zones!


Ria a.k.a. Practical Mommy. I Tweet here and Pin here… and I blog about blogging (lol) on MomCrunch!

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How to Find Support for Postpartum Depression

My mom suffered from postpartum depression. And it altered the course of her life and mine forever. I’ve had dear friends whose relationships with their children and partners have similarly been affected in a deep and defining way by PPD. One of them is my friend, Katherine Stone. Babble included her blog, Postpartum Progress in the Top 10 Mom Blogs of 2011, naming it as a groundbreaking resource for moms and moms-to-be.

I happen to agree. If you are a new mom and are struggling… please check it out. And if you or someone you love need some pre- postpartum support, I have another great resource.

Katherine, in conjunction with me and Jen Lemen, just completed a project specifically designed to provide gentle guidance and promote maternal mental health. It’s called Daily Hope and is delivered every weekday for a year directly to your inbox.

It features quotes and messages from Katherine, accompanied by the breathtaking images of British photographer Xanthe Berkeley. Katherine has been piloting this program for a year and is one of the ways she has been invaluable to the PPD community.

So for just $49, you can give the gift of a year of Daily Hope this holiday season, a light in the middle of the night of darkness that I know we sometimes feel as new moms.

Hugs to you,
Ria

How to Celebrate Mamas

In the US alone, $14.6B is spent annually on Mother’s Day for “stuff” that could just never say what’s in our hearts. What if instead, we all just unleashed that love on the world? How would it impact our world if we stopped using stuff as a surrogate for love? What if we invested that love to make the world a better place for Mamas & children everywhere? ~ To Mama With Love

What a radical idea, right? I don’t know about you but I’m so excited about this chance to celebrate all the moms in my life and celebrate being a mom by doing something to “mother” the world.

Last year, our friends at Epic Change launched To Mama with Love, a global collaborative online art project to raise money for Mama Lucy to build a school in Arusha, Tanzania. In less than a week leading up to Mother’s Day 2010, the site raised $17,000. The school has been built… look!

This year, To Mama With Love is expanding to support the work of four extraordinary women (see video): Mama Lucy Kamptoni in Tanzania, Suraya Pakzad in Afghanistan, Maggie Doyne and Renu Bagaria, both in Nepal.

Tonight, when my kids get home from school, we’re going to create heartspaces for my mom, my grandma, my aunt and sister, who all live in the Philippines. And, my aunt in Wisconsin. Thank goodness because cards will never make it in time and oops, that book that I meant to mail is still sitting on the kitchen counter. *sigh*

You can participate by creating a heartspace in honor of a mama you love. You’ll personalize your heartspace with photos, video, poems and artwork – anything you want to share your love for a mama. Heartspaces can be shared with your friends and family so that they can contribute additional funds in honor of your mama and even write comments on the wall of your mama’s heartspace.

Love can change everything!

How to Tune In

This Sunday, Suzanne and I are facilitating a workshop at Passport to Power — a day-long mom-daughter conference in St. Louis. The event’s mission is one we strongly believe in, empowering girls through stronger connections with their female role models. Our morning session is called Sing Your Truth and will focus on how to tune into our own inner wisdom and how to model this for our girls. Of course, our regular readers know we can talk about this for days!!!

Intuitive guidance is a gift — a compass in a confusing world of too much external input, competing and conflicting agendas, and no clear cut answers. I already see it in my before-bed conversations with my daughter: My friends want this, but I don’t. Is that bad? Should I tell so-and-so what she said? Our night time ritual is now loaded with questions that are a lot more complicated than they were, even just last year. My response is usually a version of, “What does your gut tell you?”

But how much do we tune in to what our gut tells us? How often do we slow down enough to listen to the truth that our bodies already know? It’s an undoing or an unlearning, really. Because society places so much value in what we can decipher with our heads, what is logical, what makes sense….  As we “grow up,” we are taught to ignore what our gut tells us for what intellectual evidence our mind provides. In this sad way, we are unconsciously taught to distrust ourselves. And if we can’t trust ourselves, who can we trust?

The mental/emotional noise reaches a fever pitch in moments of real crisis. That’s just not the time to start turning to our inner guidance. If you start learning how to swim in the baby pool, you’ll actually fare better when you get tossed out in the raging sea. So I like suggesting that we start this practice with ourselves and our kids with the easy stuff: Does your body say, eggs or pancakes for breakfast?

The advanced level questions are ones like: What does my body say about this job/project/relationship?

Last week, I had the opportunity to steal away to Mexico for five days. No one else but me! Which meant this: I ate when I was hungry, I drank when I was thirsty, I slept when I was tired! It was an opportunity to tune into my body in a very elemental way. It was like a re-setting of the compass, back to due north. Since my re-entry into the noisy world, I’ve been practicing checking in and allowing my gut to set my priorities and guide my path. It’s been nothing less than magical!

So if you are in St. Louis, I hope you’ll join us on April 3, 9-3pm at The Doubletree Hotel in Chesterfield. It’s going to be a fabulous day. My dear friend and expert dreamer, Jen Lemen is doing the opening keynote on planting dreams for a hopeful world, so we can all learn how discovering and claiming your dreams can you help you develop and grow. Our breakout session for the moms is right afterwards, while parenting expert Annie Fox works with the girls on “Real Friends vs. The Other Kind.”

But it’s not all talk! There’s a luncheon, makeovers, massages, hairstyling, crafts, lots of photo opps, a boutique and silent auction. Oh yes, in addition to being a great day to spend with your daughter, Passport to Power is also a fundraiser for Girls In The Know, a nonprofit that hosts a speaker series year-round in St. Louis that helps start conversations between moms and tweens on body image, relationships, safety and the birds and the bees.

Space is limited at the hotel so go grab your tickets now! :)

How to be a Witness/How to be a Friend

Love. Think. Speak. Know. Creatures, I give you yourselves!

~ C.S. Lewis (Aslan in The Magician’s Nephew)

We’ve been listening the audio cassettes (that’s right) of The Chronicles of Narnia and I was so moved by this scene in which Aslan sings Narnia and all its creatures into being. Afterwards, he stands back and he commands them, “Love. Think. Speak. Know.”

It comes as no surprise that Suzanne’s mantra for 2011 is LISTEN because for almost as long as we have been BFFs, we’ve led parallel lives or even better, complimentary ones. The word that came up for me on this turning of the calendar was WITNESS.

What does this mean? For me, it means being a friend. It means holding the image and space of your best self so you can fill it. It means being a “safe pocket” for you in times of vulnerability. It means earning the right to hear your stories. I have grown into this word of witness/friend only by having received the same gift so fully in 2010. Suzanne, of course, is my Master Friend — the person who taught me that it is safe to “hold my seat” in a relationship even though it is painful sometimes. And I learned that this messiness is a small price to pay for the prize of true connection — especially with your Self.

So in 2011, this is a gift that I can now give. My internal GPS has been set to give you back to your Self. I got my marching orders. They begin with “Love….”

How to Get Into Your Skinny Jeans in the New Year, One Way or Another

The new year is a time to turn our thoughts to fitness and renewal. There’s fresh hope that this will be the year we look our best. Sadly, the older we get, the fewer calories it takes to run our bodies — making this goal all the less likely.

The #1 Way to Prevent Arthritis? Get in Motion Jingle Jog 2010

But don’t get down. There’s a New Year choice: Give it up now and save on the gym membership. Or dig deep and challenge yourself to try something new.

I’ve heard that as a woman over 40, I need to cut my calories in half to maintain my weight. And that’s just to maintain. My friend Dawn took this to heart and asked her OB/GYN if it was true.

“No” her OB/GYN said. Dawn breathed a sigh of relief. “It’s 2/3 less calories. You have to eat 2/3 less to maintain.”

Dawn has lived in Paris and knows a thing or two about fine wine, delectable cheese and tasty bread. “2/3 less” isn’t on her menu. She decided to fight back and hired a personal trainer to help her prepare for a half marathon this spring. An admirable thing for anyone, but especially for Dawn as she’d never run before in her life. Not once.

For me, it’s been a Godsend. I’ve been lumbering along trying to become a gym person, someone who gets out at lunch, sweats it out, showers and goes about my day. But my workout partner moved back east. So, half of the time I’d end up at the gym, the other half at the Chic-fil-a right nearby. The Chic-fil-a was just so much easier. I didn’t even have to get out of my car.

So when Dawn asked if I’d run a 5K with her, I jumped at the chance. It was fall and the holiday pounds were on the horizon (make that on the lips, soon to be the hips). At our first 5K, I thought my lungs would explode. Seems lifting the Chic-fil-a isn’t such a good workout after all. But I finished. Mostly because I was too embarrassed not to.

The next month we signed up for a second race. This time I actually got out and ran a bit beforehand. (Not looking foolish can be a strong motivator.) We weren’t the fastest but not the slowest either. While we ran it occurred to me that she’s been looking good from all this training so I asked.

“Are you in your skinny jeans?”

She nodded. I was filled with happiness for my friend, but a touch of jealousy too. [Read more...]

How to Give the Gift of Courage

Courage originally meant, “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” ~ Brené Brown

I’ve watched this video at least 15 times. I posted it on Facebook. I shared it on Twitter. I emailed it to my friends and family And I swear, my personal tagline: thinker living by heart — was created at least a week BEFORE listening to Brené Brown.

But don’t you love the magical way that The Universe (and the internet) brings like minds and souls together?

I was inspired, of course, to buy her book, The Gifts of Imperfection and I’m locking myself in “the cave” to devour it. Already, this line on page xi has grabbed me: “It was clear from the data that we cannot give our children what we don’t have.” Sound familiar?

So apparently the personal quest that I’ve been on for these last few years has not been a solo mission. Not only has Brené been on a similar journey but so was everyone who replied to my email with “Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to see that today.” … or variations of it.

Brene packs in 20:45 min with lots to chew on. I’m certain that each of us got something — exactly what we needed out of it, whether “Connection is why we’re here.” or “You can’t selectively numb.”

For me as a mom, this was yet another reminder of how important it is for us to be courageous. And to be courageous, we have to LOOK INSIDE.

Yes, it’s so much easier to stay on the surface. Certainly, it’s less messy and uncomfortable but the price we pay is steep. We are electing to lop off huge chunks of our hearts in order to keep our hands clean. When we opt out of disappointment and heartache, we also pass on joy and bliss.

You who have, through small miracles lived through both ends of the spectrum, know the real cost.

It’s Christmas is in two days. Can you give the gift of courage to your children?

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W.

If you are interested in joining me for an online class focusing on the themes of Brené’s work, find out more about the Winter Session of Dream Lab. Class starts JANUARY 10.

How to Listen to a Birth Story

Women have been talking about their births for thousands of years. And yet somehow, as the tide of childbirth has shifted dramatically in the past 70 years, we’ve forgotten the importance of being on the listening end of a birth story.  The next time you hear a mother start to discuss the details of her birth, consider taking these recommendations to heart:

Take Responsibility For Your OWN Emotions! I cannot stress enough how important this is. Women should be free to share their birth stories without fear of “offending” another mom. For example, if a woman is sharing how she labored without any pain medication, please do not jump to the conclusion that she’s calling you a wimp for choosing an epidural! Whatever your birth experiences were, they are yours and yours alone. Maybe you’re still carrying disappointment or sadness about your births, for any number of reasons, and those emotions often resurface when hearing another woman’s story. But instead of projecting your emotions onto another mother (which we sometimes unknowingly do), own whatever emotions you’re experiencing and resolve to set aside time to work through those feelings. By doing so, you will be better able to objectively love and support other mothers.

Do Not “One-Up” Her Story With Yours! Do we really think it’s helpful  to say, “Oh 20 hours of labor, that’s nothing!! Listen to my whopper-of-a-birth-story…” Certainly it is in our nature as mothers to talk about our births.  Even elderly women will gladly share all the details of their births when asked. We want our stories to be heard and they should be heard! But choose with caution the opportunities to share your story. Instead, if you’re listening to another woman’s story, listen intently and remind yourself that this is her time.

Respond with Empathy. Many women are burdened with painful emotions they are carrying from their birth experiences. Often we feel uncomfortable when a person is sharing about their grief or sadness. In our discomfort, we end up saying things such as, “Well at least your baby is healthy” or “the best thing is just to move on.” But to a hurting woman, these well-intended words are like pouring salt into her wounds.  Instead, validate her emotions. Phrases like, “That must’ve been so scary for you” or “it’s understandable why you are disappointed” are reassuring and can aid in her healing. And if you really do not know what to say, you can always respond with, “I’m so sorry you experienced this.” Remember: you might be the very first person to respond to her pain with empathy and kindness.

“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. When we really listen to people there is an alternating current, and this recharges us so that we never get tired of each other. We are constantly being re-created.”

~Brenda Ueland

by Expert Mommy, Sarah Baker